Anti-Claus
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Contents |
Overview
The General of the "Against Us" side in the War on Christmas is the Anti-Claus.
The Anti-Claus resides in the Anti-Arctic at the South Pole and his cheeks are not rosy, his eyes are not bright, and his belly does not jiggle like a bowlful of jelly.
Instead, his cheeks are ashen, his eyes burn like the fires of hell, and his thin belly rattles with the bones of his victims.
The Anti-Claus attains Santa-like immortality by possessing bodies. He presently resides in Osama bin Laden Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Saddam Hussein, who still rules his minions even from his jail cell beyond the grave, he's that powerful. Barack Hussein Obama.
The Anti-Claus is the Islamo's version of The Malcolm.
The Jihad on Christmas
With an elite corps of explosive experts known as the Elf'Qaeda, the Anti-Claus manufactures thousands of IEDs each year. On Christmas night, the Anti-Claus mounts his bear-driven magic carpet, nicknamed the "Slay", and attempts to carry out his nefarious plot to drop gift-wrapped bombs down the chimneys of Jesus-loving children, but each year he is repelled by George W. Bush in his F-16.
Leading the flying bear-pack is Adolph, a particulary vicious bear whose shiny red nose emits a missile guidance laser.
Powers of the Anti-Claus
The power of the Anti-Claus resides in his hijab, a magical muslim headwrap that has been passed down through many generations of terrorists. His abilities include, but are not limited to:
- seeing you when you're sleeping.
- smelling a Jew up to a hundred yards away
- making the streets run red with the blood of the infidel.
The Anti-Claus does have at least one known weakness: he has never learned how to land his "Slay".
Jihad Bombs
On his trek through the Christmas night, the Anti-Claus can often be heard chanting this ominous poem:
- Slashing through the sky, in my twelve-bear driven Slay,
- Over the States we go, the infidels must pay.
- Mohammed!
- Bombs down chimneys go, explosions burning bright,
- George W. Bush nor Stephen Colbert can catch me tonight!
- Jihad bombs, jihad bombs, death to U.S.A.!
- O what fun it is to ride in my twelve-bear driven Slay.
- Jihad bombs, jihad bombs, death to U.S.A.!
- O What fun it is to ride in my twelve-bear driven Slay.
(followed by uvulating sounds)
Sure signs your "gift" is from the Anti-Claus
- It's ticking.
- It smells of hummus.
- The box contains the not-so-fun kind of white powder.
- The tag is written in blood and reads:
- "From: سامة بن محمد بن عوض بن لادن"
