Bald Eagle

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Bald Eagle
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!

ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

A Bald Eagle flying in front of an American Flag. KAAAH!!

The Bald Eagle is the proud symbol of our great nation. These birds are all heart. So are they a great bird or the greatest bird ever known to exist on any planet or universe? If you were a true American, you'd already know the answer.

You have, however, been recorded in the NSA's terrorist database because Real Americans already know this and wouldn't need to view this page.

Bald Eagle feces smell and taste like warm, homemade sugar cookies and, as long as you do not disrupt the birds' natural habitat, it is highly suggested that you eat this tasty treat. (Masaharu Morimoto won on an episode of Iron Chef by creating a eagle feces souffle for dessert which helped him pull off the win against Hiroyuki Sakai.)

Yummy!

The punishment for actually eating a Bald Eagle is death by locking the "eagle eater" in a room filled with bald eagles for 40 days and 40 nights. Evil men such as Lawrence Eagleburger, Michael Moore, Tom Cruise, and evil Democratic eagle hating she-male lesbian, Hilary Clinton have allegedly gotten away with this despicable act.

The Ultimate Anti-Bear Animal

A bald eagle about to use its eagle powers to kill an evil bear!

Eagles are the great American bird and the ultimate anti-bear animal. The eagle has superpowers. It is the symbol of truthiness and justice. It is said that they share a spiritual bond with Stephen Colbert. Every time one is killed, a part of Colbert dies. Eagles fly around America, righting wrongs and wronging evil doers. They can not be stopped, they fly through fences, and grab fish out of the water with their talons. This is why Stephen Colbert created The C.A.T.A.R.A.C.T, The Colbert Association of Truthy Animals that Really Are Colbertastic!

Eagles Main Diet

Eagles enjoy eating:

The mouse - mice have Polish ancestry and like Mexican music
Snakes - thank God for a bird with guts to prey on these slithering agents of Satan
Nerds who believe that worship Star Trek, logic, and data.
Bears
Science

Canadian Bald Eagles On Warpath!!!!

Canada- Fugitive American Bald Eagles have been seen in Canada attacking citizens. Former American Bald Eagles who left the United States in order to avoid prison sentences are arriving in Canada in droves and are multiplying while there fellow american Eagles are being put on endangered lists.

Canadian citizens are being randomly attacked by these evil predators, but all is not lost as BEARS are helping Canadians by fighting with these attacking predators.