Bear Hunters of America
From Wikiality
The Bear Hunters of America are an ancient society that predates almost everything. These 5 superheroes helped cleanse the Earth of its original evil bear inhabitants.
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"The T"
Mr.T - The Driver and Negotiator of the team. Often disables his enemies with his intelligent and insightful life lessons, and has the uncanny ability of "pity".
"The Nuge"
Ted Nugent - The Gunman of the team. He will shoot anything at anything. However, he often finds himself learning a lesson in the end.
"The Legend"
Stephen Colbert - Beautiful leader, strongman, idea guy, and founding member. He recruited this crack team of warriors to cleanse the earth for the not yet existing human race. He single-handedly destroyed the ancient bear race known as the kaketsu. Their race practiced satanism, so Stephen destroyed them. Stephen Colbert should be named king of America for such an accomplishment.
Hot and sexy, Stephen Colbert, a.k.a. "The Legend" has the complete power of Awesome. He wields Awesome with such force, skill, finesse, and truthiness that none can stand up to his Skills of Awesome.
Not only is Stephen capable of wielding the power of Awesome, but his ability to roast is just as potent. in fact, when he roasts people (bears especaially) it creates a Time Dilation Field in which the sufferer experiences many eons of pain, torture, and mental anguish, while onlookers see the person flash in a big bang of exploding Awesome.
Stephen's Gravitas is perhaps his most potent weapon, with his amount of Gravitas, each display of it crushes a star into a black hole. The only reason our Sun hasn't collapsed is because Stephen said so. If one faces a full force of Stephen's Gravitas, well, it is unknown what would happen since no one has survived. Only Stephen knows what happened, and it is impossible to penetrate that oh so manly man that he is.
"The Ranger"
Chuck Norris - Official asskicker of the team. Always has guns, but can't ever seem to actually shoot anyone. However, he never needs to, as his asskicking skills are superior to almost all.
"The Lord and Savior"
Jesus - The team magician. Can create anything out of anything. But mostly, his duties consist of turning water into wine to keep Ted Nugent hammered.
"Optimus Prime"
A former hippie, he has reformed his life and as well as a bear killing machine is a mode of transportation for the team.
Founding Members
Abraham Lincoln - or "Abe" as he preferred to be called was one of the founding fathers of the Bear Hunters of America; although in the 1860's the organization was not known as the BHA.
Born in Kentucky and raised in Illinois, Abraham Lincoln found himself fighting off bears just to survive. A bear lover would eventually assassinate him in 1865.
Henry Ford grew up fighting bears alongside Abe or as Ford liked to call him Hammy for he was relitively tubby. At the age of 9 Ford gained the ability of lazer vision and "Hammy" gained the ability to lose weight.
Junior Members
James Bond is a junior member of the BHA. He is practices his hunting skills on communists so that he will be ready when he is promoted to a full Bear Hunter. He is disguised a British secret agent to hide his junior member status from bear spies. If any member of the BHA is killed (an unlikely event), or otherwise unable to fulfill his duties (much more likely in the case of Ted Nugent), James Bond will take his place on the BHA roster.
Nas is a junior member of the BHA. He is practices his hunting skills on racists so that he will be ready when he is promoted to a full Bear Hunter. He is disguised a black rapper to hide his junior member status from bear spies. If any member of the BHA is killed (an unlikely event), or otherwise unable to fulfill his duties (much more likely in the case of Ted Nugent), Nas will take his place on the BHA roster.
Rejected members
Meetings
The members have never actually met. Any more than one in a single place would break Reality, removing all Warning labels on Coffee, deleting all mentions of Paris Hilton from People Magazine, and destroying everything else that America represents.
