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[edit] Latest In Truthy News
[edit] Satan's Favorite State Vows To Ruin Jenna Bush's Honeymoon!
The Second Greatest Presidential Daughter Ever's honeymoon was only three-drinks old, when news of California's Gay Marriage Amendment to America's Constitution threatened to sober up the festivities.
LOS LIMBAUGH COMPOUND DE NINOS, DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, May 15, 2008-- Newlyweds Mr. and Mrs. Henry Hager only plans were to enjoy a tropical paradise in marriage bliss, but those hopes were dashed as another gay marriage ruined the planned month-long celebration of God-blessed American heterosexuality.
Folks close to the couple say the bride was seen weeping uncontrollably at the hotel bar, while her husband wandered the beaches of this secluded resort wearing only black socks and a tie which poked out of his ill-buttoned suit jacket.
"Why should I hear about gays, and sweaty sex, and civil rights, equality, and they're in my family or what do you suppose? Or, I mean, it's, it's not relevant," Official White House Marriage Bed Escort, Barbara Bush briefed the press, "So, why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that? They're ruining my marriage...I mean htis marriage, obviously."
Rumours began cirulating that Mr. Hager's emotional state needed help lifting so the Secret Service was called in to cordon off the area from anything that might gay-up the proceedings. Hotel workers were tested for the gay and genuine Texas cowboys were shipped in to authenticate the buried pig barbecue.
At the time of this report, the couple are vigorously attempting to avoid any ill effects of California's gay Marriage Act with copious amounts of heterosexual beverages.
Wikiality.com will work hard to keep our readers informed of any new developments in this breaking story.
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[edit] Liberals Force Shaving On Students In Public Schools
Fox News uncovered another anti-abstinence program pushed by liberals for school-age children!
ANYTOWN, U.S.A., HEARTLAND OF AMERICA, May 03, 2008-- The list of abominations that liberals have forced on the Christian nation of America is endless.
Along with teaching children how to put condoms on and how to be gay, liberals are now offering classes on how to shave one's "Satan's Nest".
American leaders unanimously denounced the program as fundamentally anti-God:
"Acknowledgment of 'Satan's Nest' is the gateway to other bodily sins, such as getting plastic surgery and God forbid dancing," an unnamed (but not known) man of the cloth pontificated for the press, "by giving these lessons to America's children students everywhere are asking questions about their own 'Satan's Nest' and teaching students has no place in public schools."
Parents are advised to follow the Action Points in Sunday's upcoming Church bulletin. "The liberal agenda being pushed down the children's throats will be met with the most sincere and severe Love possible until every last non-Christian idea is removed from history," the unnamed man of the cloth prayed as donors lined up to enhance the message.
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[edit] Syria Denies Doctoring Nuclear Facility
Questions regarding the authenticity of satellite images are considered.
WASHINGTON, D.C., April 29, 2008-- General David Petraeus lashed back at Syrian liars after someone said his satellite photos may have been doctored.
"I am a patriot," Petraeus told reporters from his mobile press conference van, "those pictures look fine to me. I have seen quite a few photoshops in my day and none of the pixels look out of alignment."
Terrorists making jihad in the internets claimed to have found discrepancies in satellite photos released just this week proving that Syria is planning on nuking American now that Iraq has been freed from the Islamic chokehold.
Syria's Nuclear Minister released a blanket statement denying any wrongdoing, and blaming America to appease his oil overlords.
But Petraeus was not fooled, "It is ridiculous to think that an American would deliberately manipulate a photo for political gain. It is more likely the Syrians altered their buildings to make me look bad. What other explanation could there be?"
Petraeus abruptly ended the conference to attend a meeting where he will receive another promotion.
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[edit] Thousands Of Children Arrested At Chinese Flag-making Factory!
Chinese officials are considering adding "flag-making" to the list of treasonous offenses.
BEIJING, CHINA, April 28, 2008-- Officials with China's Happy-Fun-Fun Factory Ministry are working overtime to end a new crime wave of manufacturing Tibet-related merchandise.
"We not gonna sit down for this! No, sir! We gonna rook under evely lock and find arr people lesponsibre!" an unnamed spokesman told the foreign media.
Wikiality.com's Foreign News Bureau is reporting that an order was placed for several thousand "Free Tibet" flags from an unknown overseas broker. In addition to the children working in the factory, Chinese police have arrested the owner and manager of the factory as well as the woman who took the phone order.
Customs officials are going through all the shipping containers and have vowed to arrest anyone who has seen any of the treasonous flags.
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[edit] Philadelphia University Waits For Colbert To Leave Town Before Opening Evolution Exhibit!
The city of Philadelphia, first welcomed him, now they insult America's favorite newsman, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert with an abominable year-long exhibit touting The Myth of Evolution!
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA, April 17, 2008-- His arrival was a long time coming. Never had a town so desperately needed the economic and morale boost that only basic cable could bring.
New York may have The Pope, but Philadelphia got Stephen Colbert!
The city was abuzz and local luminaries clamored to be on the show. Everyone who had media connections visited the program:
- the mayor
- the state's governor
- cheerleaders
But nothing could stop the elitist hoard of the University of Pennsylvania from ruining a week-long celebration of truthiness with a year-long celebration of Darwinism!
FOUNDED BY SODOMITES
Ever since its founding in 1751 by France's favorite whoremonger, the University of Pennsylvania, or "Penn" as it likes to be called, has encouraged only non-clergymen to read.
So, it should have come as no surprise to American-loving Americans everywhere that this sort of thing was going to happen.
It was only a matter of time before those educated non-clergymen would directly attack the clergy.
And that time has come.
Despite the monopoly of the liberal media, Wikiality.com has learned that not everyone is happy about this turn of events.
IT'S TRUE
Not everyone working for the university supports the liberal idea of learning.
ONE BRAVE SOUL
Wikiality.com has found one brave soul who dared to speak out against this latest liberal propaganda,
- "Just as Philly is about to get a dose of balls and culture, wouldn't you know it, but the liberal factonistas are going to ruin it with all their "sex with monkeys" exhibits," an unnamed university official told Wikiality.com.
Asked what he intends to do for the year that his employer will be shoving their anti-Bible agenda down his abstinent throat, the intrepid Christian soldier informed Wikiality.com that he will be "keeping up with the creationist innovations", that are considered too "controversial" to be include in the precious science of the powers that be.
- "Every scientist at the university believes in this evolution religion. But it's not what I was taught. The Bible tells me that my grandmother is not a monkey, and I believe it!"
FAITH PREVAILS
The next year is going to be a long one for our dear independent friend. It seems the entire city is in on this scheme. It will be a raping of The baby Jesus on a Biblical scale.
Let's hope our friend can hang in there using his faith to surround him with a cocoon of righteousness so that he may emerge at the end of this a butterfly in service to Our Lord, Amen!
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[edit] Small-town Man Offended By Obama Depiction
Family man considers himself a typical small-town American, but does not consider himself bitter
DRAPER, UTAH, April 15, 2008-- He sits alone in his small room, separated from his family, but he is not bitter. He sees himself as a typical small-town American, and wants other Americans to know the truth about small-town people's alleged bitterness.
Wikiality.com agreed to provide this platform to "Warren" so that he could counter the secret muslim's claims about bitterness and religion-clinging.
SMALL TOWN LIFE
- "I love small towns. I like knowing everyone in town, I feel like they are all a part of my family!"
If anyone knows small-town America, Warren knows small-town America. He was born and raised in a small town and livedd in small towns throughout America's south western states, roaming from Utah to Arizona to Texas to Nevada with his rather large family in tow.
FAMILY
- "I would love to have hundreds of children and if I could, I would marry every single one of them--I love them that much!"
Despite the current separation from his family, It is from his family, where "Warren" finds his strength. He loves children and surrounds himself with the many, many women in his family.
Outsiders marvel at the interaction between Warren and his many, many children. Some people describe it as a form of worship--they love him that much.
FAITH
- "My faith is everything to me. I believe with all my heart that my faith is the most important part of my life, shaping everything in my life."
Between his job at the laundromat and working out, Warren is still able to make time everyday to pray. Praying is the one time in Warren's day when he can reflect on his life.
As the day ended, Warren had to bring the interview to a close. He thanked Wikiality.com for the opportunity to tell his side of the story and walked back to his solitary world as a man from small-town America.
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[edit] Church Demands Web Tube Remove Documents
The Honorable Church of Scientology has had its rights violated by rogue internets elements!
FLOATING TAX SHELTER, SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC, April 14, 2008--
[The following news story has been removed by the lawyers for $cientology.]
[edit] Democrats Consider Stephen Colbert as Compromise Presidential Nominee
Party Insiders begin floating the idea of a "Colbert Compromise" for brokered convention
WASHINGTON, D.C., April 1, 2008-- Having come to the conclusion that they made a terrible mistake last November with the premature ouster of Stephen Colbert from the South Carolina Democratic party primary, some party insiders have begun floating the idea of Colbert as a potential "compromise candidate" should the race between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton result in a brokered convention in August. According to one Democratic analyst, "Stephen Colbert is an incredibly popular figure," who could help unite an increasingly divided Democratic party. The analyst goes on to note, "If we hadn’t [kept] him off the ballot in South Carolina, he’d probably be winning this thing by now.”[1]
You can rest assured that the news staff at Wikiality.com will be watching this story closely, and will keep you updated with Stephen's "dark horse campaign" support as it comes to light. We have never given up the fight for Dr. Colbert's Glorious Presidency (Best EVER!), and we're glad to see that the idiotic, America-hating Democrats are finally beginning to rouse from their Communist stupor to get this one right.
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[edit] Stephen Colbert To Release Music Video!
America's Greatest Newsman Ever! has announced he will be recording his own version of the internets phenomenon-song, "Never Gonna Give You Up"!
NEW YORK CITY, April 1, 2008-- The Greatest Living American, Stephen Colbert has promised his fans that he will be releasing his own version of the Rick Astley hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up" in time for his own birthday.
"I can think of no better song to sing," the mega-balled wonder told Wikiality.com just this morning, "and no better person to sing it to!"
Billboard has already placed the song at Number 1, and Americans are encouraged to keep it there, or the terrorists win.
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[edit] Al Qaeda's Chief, Saddam Hussein, Paid For Lawmakers' Trip!
Documents unveiled today show that the leader of Al Qaeda and mastermind behind the September 11 attacks sponsored a secret trip to Iraq for liberal lawmakers!
THE GREEN ZONE, IRAQ, April 1, 2008-- Nefarious liberals have once again been ensnared in the totally, Constitutional, legal and not-privacy-intruding, all-American law, The Patriot Act!
Just as it had captured the marriage-hating terrorist, Eliot Spitzer, America's Greatest Justice Department Ever has used a little-known legal interpretation of The Greatest Law Ever to uncover what liberals are doing with their money!
"If we had not been watching every bank transaction these liberals try to hide from innocent middle Americans, this shameful crime would have gone without the ever-watchful eye of America's media seeing every filthy, filthy thing they were doing," Homeland Security boss, Michael Chertoff told reporters, "and no one would have known how close liberals are to Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.[2]"
The names of the members of the liberal contingent who visited Iraq before America liberated them was not released this far ahead of the elections, but according to these secret documents, Wikiality.com discovered what Saddam Hussein paid for;
- round trip air fare, for the congressperson, and a guest
- 7 days, 6 nights deluxe hotel accommodations
- liberator flowers and candy
- an airport photo-op complete with:
- armless Iraqi children
- sniper fire
American lawmakers are insisting that Guantanamo Bay, Cuba be kept open until a full investigation can be conducted to determine how many sensitive National Secrets were given to America's enemies in exchange for the trip.
Wikiality.com will stay on top of this story and let our readers know if anything new transpires.
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