Breaking News/Archive/02.07.2007-02.21.2007
From Wikiality
Federal Audit Shows How Well The Greatest President Ever Is Protecting America
WASHINGTON, D.C., February 21, 2007--
Since 9/11 no President has protected America's National Security or Interests better than The Greatest President Ever has, a federal report found.
The Office of the Inspector General (OIG) conducted an extensive investigation into how much The Greatest President Ever Loves his country and The Baby Jesus and the findings were astounding!
"What we found can only be described as an unprecedented, unqualified unfailure," an unnamed prosecutor with the OIG disclosed to Wikiality.com during a phone interview, "Nancy Pelosi can go to hell with all her 'troop-hating' rhetoric. This President loves America, and this report proves it! Let the surge begin, Woo Hoo!!!"
The report is a full 9,000 pages long and describes in exacting detail every aspect of The Greatest President Ever's plan to protect this country.
From the number of terrorists taken into custody, the number of terrorist scum arrested to the astronomical number of successful convictions against these America Haters, the report clearly shows which President has been on the forefront of Protecting America since 9/11: The Greatest President Ever!
When he discovered that Wikiality.com was going to publish the findings of the report, Charles Schumer has a hissy fit.
Wikiality.com believes it is beneath the stature of an elected official to have any of those hateful things Representative Schumer said in the public record, so we here at Wikiality.com News have declined to participate in such mud-slinging.
Nice try, Chuck.
For the full report, click here. ###
Terrorist Made Donations to John Kerry's 2004 Presidential Campaign
WASHINGTON, D.C., February 20, 2007--
It was revealed today that former Democrat Presidential Candidate, John Kerry actively sought funds for his campaign from terrorists.
An unnamed Republican National Congressional Committee source told Wikiality.com that Mr. Kerry had performed extensive studies into terrorists' funding operations in order to defeat America by changing leaders in the middle of a war.
Mr. Kerry, it was learned, sought the richest, best connected terrorist cell from which to receive these funds, Bank der Gutschrift und des Handels Zwischenallen Nationen, the reknowned Mooslim cell in Hamburger, Germany the same terror cell featured on 60 Minutes.
The lead investigator (who insisted on keeping her humble identity a secret) was following a hunch,"My assistants had to hold me back, otherwise my dogged interrogation style would have caused him to commit suicide. I only had a 20 minute window with the satellite linkup, so no matter how he tried to evade my questioning, or flip flop the subject, he wouldn't have been able to avoid the charges: John Kerry, you are a terorist, duckett all you want, I know the truth! I am very proud of myself!"
Indeed, and so is all of America.
Based on the evidence present, Mr. Kerry was arrested, taken into custody, booked, fingerprinted, had his body cavities thoroughly searched, his head shaved, given a tattoo of a teardrop next to his eye--all of which was videotaped and displayed on a wall of video screens provided by Fox News and linked to on The YouTube.
Then his filthy rich wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry paid his $50 million bail with money she found in the couch of one of her summer homes. ###
Harley-Davidson Motorcycles Defeats Terrorists in Pennsylvania
YORK, PENNSYLVANIA, February 17, 2007--
Just in time to cleanly promote their non-$cientology-related movie, "For the Last Time, John Travolta Is Not Gay--Look, He's Riding A Motorcycle!", Harley-Davidson motorcycles was able to defeat a cell of 2,800 terrorists and reopen their manufacturing plant.
In a clear attack on America's heartland, insurgents surrounded the defenseless Harley plant on February 2, 2007, preventing any free-market capitalism from taking place.
The liberal media ignored the story because it did not jibe with the insurgent's communist agenda, with whom the liberal media whores are in league.
An unnamed soldier fighting for Harley-Davidson and the American Way, was able to provide the following statement to Wikiality.com before attending the victory party:
"“Harley-Davidson ... they’re on the brink of bankruptcy ... union members ... let it die ... they’ve obviously forgotten how ... company leaders ... agreed to ... build pride into every motorcycle ... in ... America ..."
No liberal was able to provide any balance to this story before Wikiality.com had to close up shop for the weekend.
Sorry guys, you snooze you lose!
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Nancy Pelosi Retaliates for Having Fleet of Military Planes Revoked
BAGHDAD, IRAQ, February 16, 2007--
Another peaceful day in Iraq has been shattered by the power of Nancy Pelosi's hatred for The Greatest President Ever.
In direct retaliation for not being allowed to keep her fleet of state-of-the-art military airplanes, Nancy Pelosi caused yet another military helicopter to crash in Iraq, bringing the total to a number so astronomical, the General Accounting Office has not been able to keep track.
"It's really taking its toll," an unnamed White House spokesman disclosed to Wikiality.com under the condition his identity remain secret, "on The Greatest President Ever. Emotionally, I don't believe he can attend as many military funerals as he used to. The Greatest President Ever is committed to his troops and refuses to reduce the number [of funerals he attends] just because he doesn't feel well; he is just not that guy."
Wikiality.com did some research to discover why so many helicopters are still in Iraq since The Greatest President Ever declared Mission Accomplished.
A helpful Fox Journalist was able to help Wikiality.com with the information, stating:
- "If you look at this drawing in the sand I made earlier today for Steve Doocy helicopters were taking off from this area, and Nancy Pelosi was hating from this area clearly causing the crashes."
The interview with this intrepid reporter was cut short due to a sand storm that blew aluminum siding across Iraq.
Nancy Pelosi was unavailable for comment because she was obviously at some lesbionic symposium with Cindy Sheehan and really hates Our Troops. ###
Vermont College Bans Wikip*dia Citations
MIDDLEBURY, VT, February 14, 2007--
In yet another triumph for Our Glorious Stephen, a small east coast liberal arts college vows to no longer allow Wikip*dophilia in their classrooms.
Now, if we can just get The Bible back in their schools and gay marriages out of their churches, Vermontarians might not be going to hell.
P.S. Vermont: you are always welcome to use Wikiality.com instead.
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U.S. Troops May Be Redeployed To Nicaragua
CRAWFORD, TX, February 14, 2007--
After a full day of press conferences, The Greatest President Ever announced from the Western White House that U. S. Troops would be redeployed to Nicaragua.
Accompanying The Greatest President Ever for the announcement were:
- Dick Cheney
- Condoleezza Rice
- Hamid Karzai
- and several unnamed executives from the major American oil corporations.
Wikiality.com contacted Al Franken to respond to this surprise redeployment, since he hates The Greatest President Ever and everything he does, including bringing democracy to Iraq.
Franken immediately changed the subject to his senate campaign and what was he going to wear, and what was he going to do with his hair, and blah, blah, blah. No one cares, Al. Can't you just be happy that the troops are going to Nicaragua? Isn't that what you want?
Give it a rest already!
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John McCain To Speak to Christian Group
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, February 13, 2007--
The Discovery Institute has announced the keynote speaker for their luncheon during Seattle's World Affairs Council.
The Discovery Institute is America's leading Christian Science group, and we don't mean those freakshows who blather on about Amie Semple McPhearson (or whatever), we mean those people who do not interpret The Bible, but instead obey it. And love The Baby Jesus, etc.
Mr. McCain was always the group's first choice and no amont of money donated to the group in exchange for the mutual support between the group and Mr. McCain was necessary not did any such thing occur.
When asked to comment about Mr. McCain's appearance or a creationist group inviting him to speak, the cancerous growths evolving on his face, released the following statement through a spokesman,"Mr. McCain is a good American, and I support his candidacy for President. A better man to represent this nation's science education can't be found. Thank you."
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Update: Stephen Colbert to host The 49th Annual Grammy Awards
This site reports that Stephen Colbert will host the Grammy Awards tonight.
In other Grammy News, it looks as though Led Zeppelin will reunite this evening with Lars Ulrich on Drums.
UPDATE
Please note: This news story was supposed to be entitled: "Is Stephen Colbert to host The 49th Annual Grammy Awards?" Wikiality.com regrets the error.
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FLASH: Vermont Liberals Honor Stephen
The NoFactZone.net is reporting that hippie ice cream men Ben and Jerry are honoring Stephen with his own flavor:
Get out your eagle-handled spoons and INDULGE, heroes!
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