Breaking News/Archive/07.01.2007-07.09.2007
From Wikiality
Contents |
Solidarity!
After a long holiday weekend, support for The Greatest President Ever has more than doubled among white, male Republicans still working on the White House staff.
WASHINGTON, D.C., July 9, 2007--The air was humid and the sun beat down relentlessly. Dozens of servants scurried about delivering iced drinks as quickly as their nappy legs could carry them.
Yet there seemed to be no relief.
It was another July day in America and the hard work of politics had been suspended to celebrate the old girl's birthday.
Joining the members of the other three branches of the federal government, congressmen, their aides and interns emptied the nation's capitol for their home districts, beating a hasty retreat from the blanket of oppression that is Satan's Taskmistress.
Once home, they faced an onslaught of nagging from the liberal media. With nowhere to turn and cut off from their leader (who was hard at work in Kennebunkport negotiating with the Russians) the once proud Republican Guard began to weaken.
"When I was speaker," presidential hopeful, Newt Gingrich whispered lovingly to a Wikiality.com reporter in the early dawn just before the holiday faded to memory, "this would never have happened. I kept my guard strong and always gave them something to say to counter every liberal lie imaginable."
When word of desertion first started to leak out it was met with disbelief. Then God responded with a torrent of rain, flooding parts of Texas and Oklahoma.
The Wikiality.com Dopplert Praydar Weather Service released a bulletin calling for the weekend to be filled with intermittent incidents of "the tears of The Baby Jesus". The National Weather Service followed up by releasing their own prediction for "scatter showers".
A Ray of Hope
Just as more and more party members were lured by the Whore of Babylon's tempting bosom, a faint glimmer of brightness shone in the not so distant horizon: a commutation appeared like an angel beckoning the faithful home again.
Buoyed by the loyalty of their leader, the Republican Guard gathered their collective numbers to bolster their strength for the battle ahead.
Surviving the blistering weekend, the survivors butched-up, and swore their allegiance, knowing that there was one man among them able to stay the course and not cut and run.
His strength would be their strength. His loyalty would protect them from the fickle laws of earthbound men.
He would bring them a new beginning come Monday.
The Resurrection
Early Sunday, the clouds started to part. Phones rang across the nation, strategeries strategerized and the wagons began to circle once again.
"I am confident the subpoenas will not be ignored," Patrick Leahy said trying desperately to convince himself that his committee was actually accomplishing something, "and I believe America will finally get to the bottom of all this subterfuge."
Little did Leahy know, but the promises of the beaten-down during a long, hot weekend will come back in defense of America and her values.
As long as there is no terrorist threat early Monday morning to distract the media from Congress' little show trials, the Republican Guard will be back in force, supporting The Greatest President Ever, and The Baby Jesus can finally stop crying.
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Bill O'Reilly Warns America About The Lesbian Threat!
Gangs of lesbians have been reported roaming the American country-side raping young girls, assaulting heterosexual men, fixing cars.
FOX NEWS HEADQUARTERS, AMERICA, July 6, 2007--Fox News commentator, Rod Wheeler reported to Papa Bear that a "national underground network" of lesbian outlaws. It is believed that the gangs are affiliated with the notorious "Cell Block D" gang last heard from in 1974.
Mr. O'Reilly immediately understood the depravity and asked Mr Wheeler for more details:
"They band together, dozens perhaps hundreds of these scantilly clad young girls, much like the nappy-headed ones, and recruiting others to join their crew, or gang or network, what have you to make crime[1]."
The gangs flaunt their man-hatingness with names such as:
- GTO (gays taking over)
- DTO (dykes taking over)
- HCM (homos changing marriage)
These violent sororities are linked to the terrorists through Michael Moore and number upwards of 1,500 distinct gangs.
***UPDATE***
After informing America of the threat of lesbianism on America's nubile youth, Air America forced Mr. O'Reilly off the air in Washington, D.C..
No word yet, as to which Air America lesbian was behind the shut down.
Wikiality.com will work hard to keep this tube filled on the lastest news regarding this new threat to our way of life.
***UPDATE***
To let everyone know about your outrage, click here.
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Court Orders Bush Administration to Spy More
WASHINGTON, July 6, 2007--In a bold move of non-activist judgment, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit ruled today that The Greatest Administration Ever should have free reign for its Warrantless Wiretapping program. Ordering the dismissal of a lawsuit brought by the American Civil Liberties Union and a group of their liberal elite followers, the majority in the case overturned the decision of a lower court on the grounds that the privacy-huggers who brought the case couldn't prove they'd ever actually been wiretapped.
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In response to this verdict, a source close to the President granted Wikiality.com the following statement, on the condition of anonymity:
"Today's judgment only goes to show what some of us have been trying to say for a long time. The problem is not that the NSA is spying on people without warrants. The problem is that the NSA isn't spying enough. I mean, come on. If the ACLU can't produce evidence that we've got them bugged...? Well, someone isn't doing their job. That's all I'm saying."
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Dow Jones Purchased By Real American
Rupert Murdoch, the great American, was able to purchase the Wall Street Journal, the hippie sister publication to "High Times" by buying out the entire company for $5 billion.
NEW YORK CITY, July 6, 2007--Weeks of speculation have finally ended; the deed was done, and no amount of patchouli smoking is going to change the fact that Dow Jones & Company will begin their slow climb toward fair and balanced financial coverage.
After nearly 200 years of publishing random drug-induced free-associations, Dow Jones will finally be dragged kicking and screaming out of its extended adolescent phase and into mature adult publishing hood.
The premier periodical for the pot head set, Wall Street Journal will be taken over by fair and balanced News Corporation, parent company for FOX News and other upstanding members of the publishing aristocracy.
"An article published this morning stating that an agreement has been reached for the sale of Dow Jones & Company to News Corp," said a long-haired person reading from what looked like a napkin," is incorrect."[2]
Allegedly, a few Dow stockholders and even fewer part-time reporters were against the sale stating something about "the man" and "living under his thumb" whatever that means, since none of that matters now that Rupert Murdoch's corporate empire has expanded to include all of the Dow Jones holdings:
- Wall Street Journal
- Barron's Magazine
- several local newspapers throughout America
- one or two unwatched TV programs on an NBC cable network
- stock market indices, such as the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the Dow Jones Composite Average
A Good Thing
Few outside the business world remember how bad The Times of London Sunday Times used to be before Rupert saved it from itself. It wouldn't seem like hard work to publish a paper once a week, but the mods (British hippies) seemed to make everything complicated.
"They couldn't even remember what they called their paper from day to day," an unnamed Murdoch-trained editor told Wikiality.com on condition of anonymity, "they needed Mr. Rupert, but they didn't know it."
Now nearly 5 years after Murdoch-owned News Corp has whipped The Times of Londond Sunday Times into tip-top shape. The paper has successfully published once a week on Sunday, pays all its bills on time and has been smoke-, and cheeto-free ever since. By all accounts a resounding success!
Still Hope for Dow
While little has been made about the sale prior to its announcement, even less coverage was given to the few non-hippies who were looking forward to being owned by Murdoch:
"I feel it's high time this company show some integrity," an anonymous person was quoted as saying in the New York Post, another successful publication in the News Corp. stable, "and I for one cannot wait to finally be free of the activist editorial board. They have abused their freedom for far too long; the best thing for this paper is for there to be limits on this paper's editorial independence. That's what an owner is for and it's what people have come to expect from Rupert Murdoch."
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American Wins Hot Dog Eating Contest!!!
In a stunning victory before a record crowd, American Joey Chestnut defeated former world champion Takeru Kobayashi in an ass-kicking retribution for Pearl Harbor during the annual contest at Nathan's
JEW HOT DOT EMPORIUM, CONEY ISLAND, NEW YORK, July 4, 2007--After a 6-year run, Japanese hot dog eating champion, Takeru Kobayashi had to eat it as America's finest, Joey Chestnut handed his ass to him on a platter covered by 66 all-American hot dogs and buns!
Kobayashi, you suck! You have shamed yourself. Go back to eating rice and sushi, lo-ser!
The race was close until the very last minute. Chestnut was able to plunge a total of six dogs down his wide-open, pliant throat as if he had no gag-reflex. In the end, Kobayashi was only able to take 3 more of the slender meat snacks in the final 60 seconds of the 12-minute contest. Mr. Kobayashi had recently had a wisdom tooth pulled and complained of a tightening in his jaw, which may have contributed to his loss.
But everyone knows an American will be victorious in every competition sooner or later.
Woo-hoo!
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Al's Inconvenient Truth
While wearing clothing made of hemp, Al Gore's son was pulled over and arrested for driving a hybrid.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, July 4, 2007--Following in his father's footsteps, Al Gore III was arrested today after police pulled him over for driving a hybrid.
"It's a disgrace," an unnamed recently freed non-convict told reporters, "when Americans have to show the terrorists they haven't won, the democrats continue to try give aid and comfort to them by trying to save energy."
"We have to spend, spend, spend this summer," The Greatest Vice President Ever agreed as he put his arm around the shoulders of the unnamed man, "only when we forget about what's past and keep our eyes open for terrorist attacks can we ever truly be free!"
In typical liberal fashion, Mr. Gore tried to get out of his arrest by shouting that he was the son of a former Vice President. When that didn't work, witnesses said Mr. Gore tried to perform some kind of gay sex act on the arresting officer in broad daylight.
After being subdued, Mr. Gore made untoward remarks about Jews, women and Mel Gibson.
SmokingGun.com and TMZ.com will be releasing new information as it becomes available. Wikiality.com will be sticking to the hard news.
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Putin Offers Bush Chance To Test His Missile
SOME PLACE IN MAINE, July 3 — Russian President Vladimir Putin has extended a revolutionary new alternative to U.S. President George W. Bush's plans for a missile defense shield to be based in Eastern Europe, Wikiality.com has learned.
An unnamed source close to President Putin quoted the Russian president as saying to Bush, "George, you can test my missile anytime. I want you to test my missile. It is the only way to heal the rift between our nations."
He did not say whether Bush had ruled any one way or another on the option, but reported that Bush had claimed to find the idea "very interesting" and "pretty darn tempting." The exchange apparently took place in the guest bedroom where Putin is staying at the Bush family estate, which is not located in Texas, but actually appears to be somewhere in Maine.
The effects of Putin's proposal are as yet unknown. One senior official in the Bush Administration, who wished to remain unnamed for fear of losing his job, being tried, convicted, and sentenced to 30 months in prison before having his prison term commuted by presidential action of clemency, said of the situation, "He [Putin] really doesn't want us to erect that missile shield. It's a hard decision to make. We don't need another long period of stiff relations between the United States and Russia, but we don't want to appear impotent. If the terrorists catch us with our pants down...we could be in for a mighty whipping."
When asked to comment on Putin's latest offer, he did not hesitate to express his opinion. "Go for it," he encouraged Bush. "Personally, I would be honored to test Putin's missile. And if all goes well, I think it could milk every last drop of tension out of the conflict."
Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Cal.), however, disagreed. "We all know Putin's missile works just fine," said the former star of the "Terminator" series of films. "He can test his missile himself. The President [Bush] must not be a girly man on this issue."
Top aides to Bush insist that he intends to consider this proposal very carefully, but say that he has not yet come to a decision on it. "Rest assured, he'll make one eventually," said one aide, who also wished to remain unnamed. "After all, he is the decider."
Scooter Libby Is Free!
WASHINGTON, July 2 — President Bush today used his power of clemency to commute the 30-month sentence for I. Lewis Libby Jr., the former top aide to Vice President Dick Cheney, who was unjustly convicted of perjury in March.
The action spares Mr. Libby his prison term, but it does not excuse him from stiff fines which his neocon supporters will probably pay.
“I respect the jury’s verdict,” Mr. Bush said. “But I'm the decider. And I have decider-ed that the prison sentence given to Scooty McRooty is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Scootterino’s sentence that required him to spend 30 months in prison.”
Like a pardon, a commutation is a form of clemency, granted to the president by the Constitution. But a pardon is an official act of forgiveness, whereas a commutation simply reduces the penalty, without making an official judgment of forgiveness. But we all know Bush forgave Scooter a long time ago. Or not, since there was no wrongdoing to forgive him for. God Bless America and Happy 4th of July!
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