Colbert Platinum

From Wikiality

Warning This page is only for people whose net wealth exceeds $500,000 $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.23. You must also have more than a home and a vacation home.

Colbert Platinum^[1] is the high-end luxury segment of The Report, aimed at discerning rich personages whom Stephen would very much like to meet. Greeting wielders of diamond-encrusted diamond encrusters.

Contents 1 Edition of June 2, 2008 2 Edition of April 23, 2008 3 Edition of March 11, 2008 4 Edition of October 11, 2007 5 Edition of September 19, 2007 6 Edition of August 22, 2007 7 Edition of July 23, 2007 8 Edition of June 28, 2007 9 Edition of June 12, 2007 10 Footnotes

Edition of June 2, 2008

• Platinum members only:
  • if you only get necessary surgery, flip over to Wheel of Fortune

• Hard to get crew on your flights:
  • Boeing engineers have developed a pod for servants quarters that include bunk beads and seating

• $175 hamburger
  • small price to pay to literally crap gold

• Economic slow-down
  • Colbert White Gold
  • Video stamp developed by Cracker Jack engineers
    • $8.50/each
• Stephen offers a stamp for premium members: an iPod nano that plays an entire episode of The Report, for only $149

• money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy things that will make you happy

Edition of April 23, 2008

• not a platinum, change the channel, QVC is doing an hour of dog sweaters
• run over dolphins
  • all your roadkill can be lobster
• can finally use underwater McDonalds
  • almost makes it seem oike food
• Dinosaurs
  • Stephen could have bid for it drunk
  • Stephen wants something Jesus touched
• luxury coffee
  • $4.00 is ridiculous, why can;t he pay more?
• $100/cup
  • harvested from Indonesian cat poop
  • only thing more elite would be drinking it straight from the cat
• Next Time: Mythical Creatures: Why Can't I Buy One?

Edition of March 11, 2008

International Edition

for Colbert Platinum, if you have never hunted a man for sport, if you have, this segment should allow your quarry an appropriate lead time

• Liechtenstein
  • great secret tax shelter
  • Stephen's nemesis, Dr. Von Kluug (sp?)
  • Stephen has declared his home its own private principality
• Counterfeit Ferraris

Edition of October 11, 2007

Kidz Edition

"If your school doesn't end in 'Prep,' 'Academy' or your own last name, run along."

• Art Collections
• Doll Houses
• Papparazzi

Edition of September 19, 2007

Green Edition

• The Environment
  • Yachting
  • Ocean
• Glamping
• Recycling
  • Louis Vuitton

Do your part to conserve energy by keeping the thermostats at 68 in the winter and 72 in the summer on your hovercraft.

Edition of August 22, 2007

• St. Tropez
  • helicopters are noisy
  • alternative Imperial Walkers
• Champagne Crunch (Champagne Jam)
  • India drinks alot
  • tech support guys are hammered on Cristal
  • spike the vine with growth hormones grapes the size of Barry Bond's head
• Ermine and Mink controversy next time
  • Furminken ?

Edition of July 23, 2007

Private submersible business is booming.

Forces champagne bubbles directly into bloodstream

Polo ponies have horse herpes.

Edition of June 28, 2007

• The number of luxury cars getting totalled is rising fast. Just rich people testing out their Louis Vuitton airbags.
  • The Vatican issued rules of driving, in which the Pope hates on the players because of his unpimped Popemobile
• When making a shopping list of impossibly priced items, use the Montblanc Limited Edition Mystery Masterpiece fountain pen
  • Yours for the introductory price of $700,000
    • Warning, this pen may leak

Edition of June 12, 2007

• A story that affects us all: a world wide shortage of butlers. Luckily, Reginald, Stephen's butler (since forever) warms all the doorknobs in his path. There is also a shortage of yacht crews.

• For Father's Day, how about a $98 million dollar diamond encrusted platinum skull by artist Damien Hirst for Dad?

Footnotes