Colbert Platinum

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Colbert Platinum
is a featured segment of
the Greatest American Television Show--EVER!!!, The Colbert Report.

Warning This page is only for people whose net wealth exceeds $500,000 $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.23. You must also have more than a home and a vacation home.

Colbert Platinum[1] is the high-end luxury segment of The Report, aimed at discerning rich personages whom Stephen would very much like to meet. Greeting wielders of diamond-encrusted diamond encrusters.

The theme song is Prince of Denmark's March.

Contents

[edit] Edition of May 13, 2009

In this very special edition of Colbert Platinum, Dr. Colbert samples three very special $1,000 Dishes.

  • Norma's in Le Parker Meridien
    • $1,000 omelet
      • $3 eggs
      • $60 lobster
      • caviar
      • potatoes
    • comes with toast
  • one thing sustained our ancestors when they came to Ellis Island
  • Dr. Colbert did not dine and dash
  • Nino's
    • $1,000 pie
      • served cold
      • with shaved lobster
      • and caviar
  • one of the best pies Dr. Colbert has ever had
  • Dr. Colbert burned off the
  • Serendipity 3
    • $1,000 sundae
      • has a carbon footprint
  • they've sold one a month in the "good times"
    • haven't sold one since November
  • for another $1,000 Dr. Colbert could have a poor person watch him eat it
    • could use more gold

[edit] Edition of September 15, 2008


This segment is for Platinum Members only. If you chew your own food, leave the room

  • Not many buyers for the Rick Springfield picture
    • still has money on his boat in Galveston, Texas
  • trophy wives do not stay on the mantle
    • Kate Moss golden statue
      • expressive
      • eats just a bit more than a supermodel
  • King picked his bried from 10,000 bare-breasted virgins, who paraded before him
  • perfect gift
    • wraps gifts in uncut sheets of U.S. currency
      • best gift ? a stack of Euros
  • Uncut sheet of $32 dollars is $55
  • will dab his tears not with $100 bills, but Lehman Brothers stock

[edit] Edition of August 6, 2008


  • Black Watermelon
  • First Inductee to Diamond Class Membership
    • unnamed Sheik who spent $40,000 for an oil change
  • Next time: latest in cosmetic surgery for food.
    • Raisins say goodby to those wrinkles

[edit] Edition of June 2, 2008


  • Platinum members only:
    • if you only get necessary surgery, flip over to Wheel of Fortune
  • Hard to get crew on your flights:
    • Boeing engineers have developed a pod for servants quarters that include bunk beads and seating
  • $175 hamburger
    • small price to pay to literally crap gold
  • Economic slow-down
    • Colbert White Gold
    • Video stamp developed by Cracker Jack engineers
      • $8.50/each
  • Stephen offers a stamp for premium members: an iPod nano that plays an entire episode of The Report, for only $149
  • money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy things that will make you happy

[edit] Edition of April 23, 2008

  • not a platinum, change the channel, QVC is doing an hour of dog sweaters
  • run over dolphins
  • can finally use underwater McDonalds
    • almost makes it seem oike food
  • Dinosaurs
    • Stephen could have bid for it drunk
    • Stephen wants something Jesus touched
  • luxury coffee
    • $4.00 is ridiculous, why can;t he pay more?
  • $100/cup
    • harvested from Indonesian cat poop
    • only thing more elite would be drinking it straight from the cat
  • Next Time: Mythical Creatures: Why Can't I Buy One?

[edit] Edition of March 11, 2008

International Edition

for Colbert Platinum, if you have never hunted a man for sport, if you have, this segment should allow your quarry an appropriate lead time

  • Liechtenstein
    • great secret tax shelter
    • Stephen's nemesis, Dr. Von Kluug (sp?)
    • Stephen has declared his home its own private principality
  • Counterfeit Ferraris

[edit] Edition of October 11, 2007

Kidz Edition


"If your school doesn't end in 'Prep,' 'Academy' or your own last name, run along."

  • Art Collections
  • Doll Houses
  • Papparazzi

[edit] Edition of September 19, 2007

Green Edition

Do your part to conserve energy by keeping the thermostats at 68 in the winter and 72 in the summer on your hovercraft.

[edit] Edition of August 22, 2007

  • St. Tropez
    • helicopters are noisy
    • alternative Imperial Walkers
  • Champagne Crunch (Champagne Jam)
    • India drinks alot
    • tech support guys are hammered on Cristal
    • spike the vine with growth hormones grapes the size of Barry Bond's head
  • Ermine and Mink controversy next time
    • Furminken ?

[edit] Edition of July 23, 2007

Private submersible business is booming.

Forces champagne bubbles directly into bloodstream

Polo ponies have horse herpes.

[edit] Edition of June 28, 2007

Best for signing pre-nuptual agreements
  • The number of luxury cars getting totalled is rising fast. Just rich people testing out their Louis Vuitton airbags.
    • The Vatican issued rules of driving, in which the Pope hates on the players because of his unpimped Popemobile
  • When making a shopping list of impossibly priced items, use the Montblanc Limited Edition Mystery Masterpiece fountain pen
    • Yours for the introductory price of $700,000
      • Warning, this pen may leak


[edit] Edition of June 12, 2007

I love you daddy!
  • A story that affects us all: a world wide shortage of butlers. Luckily, Reginald, Stephen's butler (since forever) warms all the doorknobs in his path. There is also a shortage of yacht crews.
  • For Father's Day, how about a $98 million dollar diamond encrusted platinum skull by artist Damien Hirst for Dad?


[edit] Footnotes

  1. ↑ Colbert Platinum and this page are for Platinum Colbert Nation members only. If you earn less than $2 million dollars a year, grab your bong and some Cheetos and switch over to Adult Swim
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