Columbus, Ohio
From Wikiality
| Columbus, Ohio | |
| Mayor: | Leroy Jenkins |
|---|---|
| City Motto: | WWWD - What Would Woody Do? |
| Nickname: | Fuck Michigan |
| Theme Song: | Hang On Sloopy |
| Population: | Less than Wyoming |
| Standard MPH: | 69 mph |
| Principal industries: | scarlet red |
| Fun Fact # 1: | Buckeyes kick ass |
| Fun Fact # 2: | Buckeyes still kick ass |
Situated at the junction of the Scioto and Olentangy rivers, Columbus serves as the capitol of the State of Ohio, and as the seat of the religion of Buckeyology. Buckeyeology is estimated to have between 300 million and 500 million adherents spread throughout the country and world.
Discovery
Upon crossing the Ohio-Michigan border on US 23 south, one notices immediately that the road is made of bricks of gold. The lush fields of poppy flowers have been shown to make drivers so sleepy that they slow down from the usual 85 mph to 32 mph (the universal speed limit enforced in Ohio). It is in this state of slow-moving euphoria that Columbus becomes visible. But it was not always so.
The Big Bear Revolt
For a dark time in Columbus history, the entire city was held in thrall by bears. And not just any bears, Big Bears. The world headquarters of "Big Bear" was located in Columbus. While Big Bear was ostensibly a grocery store chain, it's real mandate was the promotion of the Pro-Bear Agenda as directed by the Kremlin. Fortunately, the free market prevailed and commercial portion of Big Bear went bankrupt in 2005[[1]]. Appropriately the conquerer of Big Bear was none other than Giant Eagle. Giant Eagle, in keeping with it's freedom loving name, fired all the Big Bear employees and then rehired them at half their previous wage.
Columbus, Ohio Today
Fortunately, the dark days of "Big Bear" are now a distant memory and entrance into the city is made through a series of gates and guarded by scarlet-clad sentries wearing "O"s on their hats. Once through security (please prepare to remove your shoes and place them in the bomb-detecting equipment), visitors are whisked into the Audience Room of the Wizard of Columbus.
After receiving a brain, a heart, or courage from the Wizard, Columbus boasts a number of fine dining establishments, such as White Castle, Applebees, and Wendy's. Unfortunately, there are no return trips to Ann Arbor.
