Confucius

From Wikiality

Confucius was a Chinese guy who lived a long, long time ago in China. Or maybe Japan. I'm not sure which. Anyway, he was really smart and he said a lot of things that were very truthy. He was kind of like a prehistoric Ching Chong Ding Dong, only nobody thought Confucius was racist because he was Chinese (or Japanese). Also, Confucius was a lot older than Ching Chong Ding Dong, and the things he said were more confusing - hence the name "Confucius."

They even started a religion named after him, called "Confusionism." No one knows a lot about it, because it's not considered a Path to Accepting Jesus Christ as Your Personal Lord and Savior. At the same time, Confusionism isn't a One-way Ticket Straight to Hell because they don't technically have a Church or anything. Confusionism just wants you to think about stuff and stuff like that. So no Americans practice Confusionism, and God doesn't really mind too much if the Chinese Japanese Orientals do it. As long as they don't make any other Gods before Him. Because that's one of the Commandments.

Confucius Invents the Truthyism

Once upon a time, Confucius and his brother got in a fight. When their Mother asked them what happened, Confucius say: "Little Brother rage like tiger, fight like girl."

Confucius Father say: "Is this what really happen, my children?"

Then Confucius say: "In truthiness, my parents, who can say what real really means? Reality has a well-known Buddhist bias."

With that, the truthyism was born.

The Legacy of Confucius

Unfortunately, most of Confucius's ancient wisdom has been lost forever. This is partly the fault of his having lived in a foreign land, where they did not have computers until very recently. Someone told me that the Chinese invented writing. I don't know if this is true, but even if it is, I don't think it would have helped old Confucius much. I mean, even if he could write, the only people who could read it would be people who could read Chinese - and how many of those could there be? Besides, if he was the guy who invented writing, I'm pretty sure he would have written that down somewhere.

Fortunately for Confucius, he was so good at making truthiful statements that people kept on quoting his baffling words long after he died. So even though no one could read his writing, we still know what he said. Thanks to the power of the internets, which can do things like translate Chinese, his ancient babblings can now be known to people in the United States. So here we are, like 500 to 1000 years later, reading about this old dead Asian guy. And to think: without Bruce Lee and Godzilla making Japan famous and all, it's likely that no one in America would have ever even heard of Confucius! The power of technology.

Confusian Truthyisms

Confucius has gotten so famous lately for his truthyisms that they've even started putting them in American fortune cookies. Below you can see some fine examples of Confusian thought, fresh from the lunches of Wikiality.com's staff: