David Hasselhoff
From Wikiality
David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff, aka David Tevye Tzeitel Hasselhoffenbergersteingoldman-Mendelbaum, was is a beloved American, even though he was is a Jewish, Hollywood entertainer. The date of his birth is unknown.
Hasselhoff was is best known for his tribute-to-America-Meatloaf-hair, and for staring in such "truthy" television programs as Knight Rider and Baywatch.
In later years, as his acting career declined, the Hoff began to indulge in the sauce. On one particular alcohol fueled binge, the Hoff tried to perform "hamburger-cide" by taking his life with a hamburger. The Hoff passed away recovered fully after the suicide attempt.
Most recently, the Hoff's career and popularity have been rejuvinated as he is being considered to play the role the German officer who attempted to kill Adolf Hitler in a new Hollywood movie.
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[edit] Early Life
The Hoff was born to a Jewish family somewhere in Old Europe where they generally hate Jews. Although the Hoff's family did not have much money, the Hoff's mother refused to work so that her children would not be latchkey kids.
In addition, the Hoff's mother encouraged her children to wear meatloaf on their heads to demonstrate their love for America, and their hope of leaving Old Europe some day. Thus, the Hoff's trademark meatloaf hair helmet was born.
As the Hoff came of age, he was captured by the Nazis during the Holocaust. The Holocaust was an evil camp run by Adolf Hitler during World War II where Hitler forced Jews to wrestle Bears for his entertainment.
The Hoff was excused from Bear fighting and survived the Holocaust by becoming a singer of popular tunes for the Germans. The Hoff grew in popularity to such a great extent that he sang for Hitler. It is rumored that the Hoff's singing helped end World War II, and later was even influential in ending the Cold War.
[edit] Career
The Hoff was encouraged by his popularity with the German puplic. After World War II ended, the Hoff decided to move to Hollywood to become an actor.
[edit] The Belly of the Beast
The Hoff was repulsed by the liberalism and excesses of Hollywood. At first, the Hoff found it difficult to even leave his apartment to audition for acting jobs. The Hoff is dedicated to his craft, however, and he eventually forced himself to attend auditions.
To the Hoff's credit, he didn't fall under the spell of the vices of Hollywood. A lesser man (e.g., John Travolta) would have joined a cult or turned away from convention.
[edit] Knight Rider
The Hoff stuck to his guns and soon landed the staring role in one of the truthiest television shows ever, Knight Rider. In the show, terrorists were running rampant all over the United States of America and only a man, portrayed by the Hoff, and his robotic car were able to stop them from taking over.
I know you hear the word "robotic car" and worry that this show was written by a bunch of Labcoat Larrys. No fear! There was not one ounce of fact or truth in Knight Rider. For, the Hoff's character acted as example for all Americans by solving crimes and hunting down terrorists by using his gut, not facts.
[edit] Baywatch
On the heels of Knight Rider, the Hoff starred in another truthy program, Baywatch. The show centered on the work of a team of lifeguards with plots usually centering on dangers related to Hollywood and the Hollywood lifestyle. Everything from liberals to shark attacks to serial killers, and even terrorists, served as plot conflicts on the show.
Because it was so truthy, Baywatch was one of the most watched TV show in the world. In addition to its truthy content, Baywatch was also an artistic triumph for introducing America's Planet to Pamela Anderson.
[edit] Career Decline
After Baywatch, job choices inexplicably dried up for the Hoff. It's anybody's guess why people in Hollywood had become reluctant to hire the Hoff. Perhaps they were jealous of his scary talent and his heterosexuality.
To make end's meat, the Hoff was forced to take any job that came his way. One memorable experience led the Hoff to coach Germany's national dodgeball team.
[edit] Family Troubles
The Hoff married his childhood sweetheart from Germany, Angela Merkel. Things were going well for the lovebirds until Merkel's star started to rise just as the Hoff's career faltered. Merkel's election to the become the Chancellor of Germany began to tear the couple apart.
Things worsened in July 2006, during the G8 Summit proceedings, when the Greatest President Ever was unable to resist the sexual charms of Merkel. At the summit, George Bush strode up behind Merkel and clasped his hands upon her shoulders in a massage-like way. Merkel initially flailed her arms but was eventually unable to resist the President's charms.
This incident caused the Hoff to file for divorce.
[edit] Suicide Attempt
Faced with little work and a terrible home life, the Hoff began to heavily drink.
Ironically, in the spring of 2007, a hamburger was almost the undoing for the man with the meatloaf hair. On one binge, a drunken Hoff stuffed 100 hamburgers in his mouth at once in an attempt to kill himself. The Hoff began choking on one of the hamburgers, and because he aint no homo, the Hoff refused any mouth-to-mouth or the Heimlich maneuver to help him.
Fortunately, an ambulance arrived just in time to resuscitate the Hoff with an oxegen mask and a cool glass of Diet Coke to help wash down the hamburgers. Thus, the Hoff would survive.
[edit] Career Rejuvination
The failed suicide attempt gave the Hoff a new outlook on life. The Hoff concluded that he should try to be a role model for Americans everywhere. The Hoff began to try to rehabilitate his image.
Fate intervened to throw the Hoff a bone. Hollywood liberals had planned to film a Hitler assisination flick, Valkyrie, with Tom Cruise in the lead role as "Count Stauffenberg," the hero who attempted to assissinate Hitler. German officials, however, banned Tom Cruise from filming because of his insane $cientology beliefs.
The German government and populace began to lobby for the Hoff to portray the German Hero.
Today, the future is looking up for the Hoff. Let's all celebrate his greatness!
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