Fact Huggers

From Wikiality

Fact huggers are thought terrorists who aim to brutally oppress all factoids and to impose a Dictatorship of the Fact. As such are enemies of free speech, and are in the same league as Osama bin Laden, Stalin, and Vlad the Impaler.

How To Identify a Fact Hugger

1. They smell like patchouli and self-righteousness.
2. They believe that what actually happened is more important than what we agree has happened.
3. Whoever they vote for loses or is Hillary Clinton.
4. Your mithril dagger glows in their presence.
5. They are in college in a full ride scholarship from dad.
6. They think they're right instead of feeling it.
7. They eat tofu.
8. Their satchels are covered in pins.
9. They use table in its verb form, e.g., "Pete and I tabled for women’s rights in front of the student center."
10. Their ability to believe what they are saying is directly proportional to the amount of pot they smoke.
11. They quote statistics that can actually be confirmed.
12. They keep mentioning some piece of crap called the 'Declaration of Independence'.
13. They drive hybrids.

Common Fact Hugger Sayings

• "No war for oil"
• "2+2=4"
• "Protect Bears"
• "Evolution is real"
• Something about flying spaghetti and God
• "I was thinking..."
• "Facts need to be proven."
• "What you are claiming is not supported by facts history, reason or logic..."
• "Canada"
• "All men are created equal"
• "Why are you yelling?"
• "Put some pants on"
• "Stop poking me with that!"
• "Please don't make a scene"

Members

• Hate America Firsters
• Blame America First Crowd
• Hollywood
• Democrats
• Liberals
• Factonistas
• Factinistas
• Phactwonistas
• Factonatrixes
• ACLU
• The New York Times
• Washington Post
• Femi-nazis