Adolf Hitler
From Wikiality
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Contents |
The Early Years
Adolf Hitler, born in Austria in 1889, was the child of Satan and Hilary Clinton. His childhood consisted mostly of eating at a kosher deli and masturbating while his parents were at work. Adolf was a latchkey kid. This would help explain why later Hitler had extreme cravings for peanut butter, celery sticks, and watching little boys play hop-scotch. At around 14 Hitler was diagnosed with Vaginastashengitis, a rare disease in which a perfectly waxed bikini strip forms over ones upper lip. Shortly thereafter, Hitler chose to rip his penis out and suck on his left testicle. Though we are not sure if he had another male do it for him at times or why he did it at all. Along with his gayness that he had he also choose to a vaggi which explains is hatefulness to America and to American meat.
Adolf had a brief career in the disco music as seen in this early foray into the then unpopular white supremacist R&B genre, with the song [1].
The Furor over Der Führer
Adolf quickly rose through the ranks to become the leader of the Nazis in 1933. They called him the "Führer". As the Führer, his first act was to eradicate all the Jews - including, but not limited to Jon Stewart, Lewis Black, and all of The Three Stooges. He did not succeed, thanks to the valiant efforts of America.
Despite beliefs that Henry Ford contributed to the pre-nazi party, there is a simple misunderstanding, he was tricked. Mr.Ford was actually under the impression he was giving the money to Hitler to build a day care center for jewish children. It was room for the kids to die in gas chambers of course, Hitler even invited the parents to come along also. Mr.Ford was under the impression the children would be happily building pinto steering columns for a mere 50 hour work week. Turns out that prior to this transaction, Mr.Ford forgot to sleep for 12 days straight during a manic episode while trying to build experimental pistons out of the recycled remains of spent factory workers. After several weeks of no sleep, he thought Hitler was a pretty hip/sane guy and was therefor tricked into donating the money.
Hitler later reentered the music world with his new hit single,"Hands Up".[2]
Children
The Führer has only one known male child who was later sexually altered and is now known as Janet Reno. He also spawned, by an unholy union with Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell, and the Clintons.
Grandchildren
Ted Hitler is in no way related to Janet Reno or Rosie O'Donnell. Don't ask how this is possible, but it is most certainly true.
Religious Beliefs
- A gaytheist.
- Favors State Gaytheism.
- Hitler was a Satanist as well as a member of the homosexual religion.
- Hitler was an atheist of the Darwinist Church. We know this is true because no Christian would ever commit violence against Jews, the prototype Christians. Hitler, because he was a vegan, only ate aborted jew fetuses.
- Due to a secret pact made with Satan, Hitler was brought back to life in 1991 with the fall of the Berlin Wall, a bunch of bricks put together to keep the godless bears of East Germany out of West Germany. Hitler reincarnate can now be seen at every major meeting of the Liberal un-american Democrats, even when there are two at once.
Death
The Führer was killed by American soldiers when they captured Berlin, where he lived, in 1945. He was so scared that he killed himself, he probably begged like a little girl and cried at the might of the Bald Eagle that is America!
Connection to George W. Bush
None. Adolf Hitler had a 99% approval rating, and in order to show his firm non-Hitler-ness George W. Bush has intentionally lowered his own approval rating to the low 30s. The further Bush's approval rating falls, the more he proves to us he is not Hitler but most importantly we're not Nazis.
The Germans liked to call Hitler 'Dubya' too, and it's assumed that the cowboy hats and tight leather pants were NOT the birth to gaylamofascism.
