Jack Bauer/Trivia

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[edit] Little known trivia about Jack Bauer

• When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

• One proposed budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

• Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

• Many women's husbands don't wish they were Jack Bauer. They wish their wives were Jack Bauer. Coincidentally, none of these men are gay.

• Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. The corollary to this is: If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

• Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.

• The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

• Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. A billion Chinese vs Jack Bauer? Sounds like a fair fight.

• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

• Kim Bauer lost her virginity-- Jack Bauer got it back.

• If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

• Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

• Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

• Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

• In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

• Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

• If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

• Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

• Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

• When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

• Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

• Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

• Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

• Jack Bauer eliminated Bird Flu by playing Duck Hunt.

• When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish her vegetables.

• When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

• Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

• Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

• Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

• In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

• Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

• Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

• When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Jack Bauer wearing his dark sunglasses. The next day, Chuck Norris pled guilty to multiple counts of tax evasion.

• Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

• Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

• When Jack Bauer turns on a video game, the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.

• Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

• Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”

• A terrorist once killed himself so Jack Bauer did not torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and tortured him.

• When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.

• Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.

• Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.

• Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.

• To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he could take Jack Bauer in a fight. He ended up pregnant.

• Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

• Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.

• Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.

• Jack Bauer got in a car accident and protected his air bag.

• David Palmer is Jack Bauer's Black Friend.

• Jack Bauer has an account on redvsblue.com, but only to fight the Terrorist menace.

• Jack Bauer can have 11 items at the 10 item lane.

• Jack Bauer is such a great shot that he doesn't need bullets for his 9mm.

• Jack Bauer can watch Saturday Night Live, live on a Tuesday morning.

• Jack Bauer never misses. If he shoots his gun at you and doesn't hit you, he's shooting at the terrorist 12 miles away.

• Jack Bauer once disarmed a suitcase nuke with a Phillips head screwdriver.

• If you spell Jack Bauer wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Jack Bauer?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.