James Bond

From Wikiality

James Bond 007 (the number refers to the most women he has slept with at one time) is an American secret agent working undercover as a British secret agent, because the British are too weak to take care of themselves. He is clearly not British because obviously only an American could have balls as big as Bond. The only person who rival James Bond is Stephen Colbert. Bond has had almost as many girlfriends as Tek Jansen (almost). Oh, and we think he might be Indiana Jones' father (further proof Bond is American)

In movies based on his life, Bond has been played by actors: Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig. All of the events in these movies really happened, except for A View to a Kill, which was produced by Bears and Michael Moore to make Bond appear less American and more gay. It has recently been revealed that Bears were also secretly behind both Timothy Dalton movies, and the unofficial movie Never Say Never Again. Those particular Bears will never again be a problem however, as Bond has killed all of them and everyone they ever had contact with.

007's nemesis is the evil Ernst Blofeld, who is actually Michael Moore (a liberal) in disguise. He runs the evil SPECTRE organization (The spelling is a weird British misspelling of NAMBLA. It is written in British as part of a pathetic attempt to make Bond appear British, which he obviously is not, given the size of his balls). Blofeld/Moore is also a well-known breeder of Persian cats. SPECTRE is responsible for all non-Bear related crime in the entire world, as well as Communism. Al Franken is one of the top agents of SPECTRE. The only reason Bond does not kill Blofeld and destroy SPECTRE is that without a nemesis he would have too much free time, which would cause him run out of women to have sex with.

Bond has also tangled with the USSR's SMERSH, smert shpionam or death to spies.