Jesus Christ

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This page is about the Great Christian, for the page about the Jewish guy named Jesus, please visit this page.


Jesus Christ is Norris Free

Jesus Christ
Makes The Baby Jesus™ Happy
And that Makes Stephen happy, too!

Jesus Christ
is a Truthiness Crusader!

Jesus H. Colbert
Male	Republican
Born: 12/25, smack dab between 1 BC and 1 AB	Died: Good Friday, 33 A.D.
Resurrected: Easter, 33	Went to Heaven: 3 days after that, 33 A.D.
Birthplace	Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Bethlehem, America
Nationality	American, Hell Yeah!
Parents	God, Virgin Mary...explain that!
Occupation	Republican political strategist
Favorite Singer	Toby Keith
Favorite Hockey team	Saginaw Spirit
Spouse	Ann Coulter (not Mary Magdalene, get that straight)
Children	Stephen Colbert, George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan
Favorite Saying	"I Got Mine, Jack!"^{Episode #436}

Jesus Colbert a.k.a. Jesus H. Christ is Our Lord and Savior, not to be confused with Jebus. Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and resurrected on Easter.

Jesus died for our sins on a cross and now all we have to do is confess our sins and believe in Him and we get to go to Heaven. Pretty sweet deal, right? Well at least for us. Oh, and apparently he's a superstar. For some reason, liberals can't seem to get it together to save their godless souls. Just makes more room for the rest of us at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet in Heaven.

More than one Jesus appearing to you at a time are called "Jesi", pronounced like the "jee" in "golly-jee" and "zi" as in "Zionist pig". Seeing more than one Jesus can also be referred to as a hallucination. There's only one Jesus, in case you were stupid and didn't know. Seeing two doesn't mean your on the path to heaven, it means your on the path to drug rehab.

[edit] Politics

When you're quite done blubbing, get me the hell down from here!!!!!

Jay-ZUS! is the founder of the Republican party, as, sensibly, he believed in Himself. It's noteworthy that, in keeping with his constant attempts to thwart Jesus, Judas (also known as Satan) started the Democrats.

Jesus developed the military doctrine of "Preemptive Smite" that has turned Iraq into a stable democracy. Evil liberals would have you believe he was a wimpy pacifist. However, when he said "turn the other cheek", he meant so you could wind up a good uppercut to the jaw.

[edit] What you should believe

You should believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty. Maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.

You should believe in one Lord Jesus Colbert, the only son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten not made, of one being with the Father. Through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation, he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead and his kingdom will have no end.

You should believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and Son he is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the prophets. You should believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church (henceforth known as The One True Church). You should acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. You should look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

And not some bullshit you hear on TV.

Okay, now amen...

[edit] Jesus's Glorious Return

Please see the full article, Second Coming of Christ

Fighting the Bearluminaty in the climactic final battle

SWEET VENGEANCE JEWS!!!!!

Jesus's return to America is IMMINENT! He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead, specifically non-Christians, gays, liberals, communists, and anyone who makes The Baby Jesus cry. His return will be immediately followed by the Apocalypse (look it up), during which all those judged impure will be sent straight to hell. One of the only surefire ways to guarantee yourself a place in heaven during the Apocalypse is to wear a "Welcome Jesus" t-shirt, as sported by Stephen Colbert on The Report, during His return.

And then one day, on October 17, 2005, Jesus returned in the form of Stephen T. Colbert and successfully launched the Colbert Report.

Then on October 9th 2007, he released the third testament of The Bible, titled I Am America (And So Can You!)

[edit] A Special Message From The Lord, Jesus' Father

After Jesus arose from the dead from that filthy, filthy cave, God said unto his children:

STOP BEING DUMB ATHEIST FAGS OR [I] SHALL STRIKE YOU DOWN!

~ God, The Heavenly Father

[edit] Factoids

Jesus Christ
is a Beautiful Republican
God Bless America

Jesus never learned how to swim. Neither of his two dads ever taught him

Jesus is a 100% American!

He killed Mohammed [1]
Jesus has the voice of Bob Dylan.
Jesus's best friend is Adam Meek
Jesus never shaves his beard. He just wouldn't look cool without it.
Its been revealed that Liam Neeson is actually Jesus himself. His protrayal of Qui-Gon Jin in Star Wars, the Phantom Mennace proves it....the simalarities are astounding.
Jesus is right-handed, like all Christians.
Jesus will one day return on a cloud of money.^{Episode #295}
Those two sets of footprints on the beach? One of them is Jesus; the other is a gay guy sneaking up on you, RUN JESUS!^{Episode #369}
Jesus stayed Kosher and he cries when other people eat pork.
The only language spoken by Jesus is American.
Jesus' feet, in ancient times, did not walk upon Englands mountains green. He planned to go there on holiday for a bit but then decided against it due to the price of gas and went for a couple of weeks in Mesopotania instead.
Jesus is a life member of the NRA.
After walking on water, Jesus invented the swift boat.

Jesus, rabid Saginaw Spirit fanatic

Jesus' favorite hockey team is the Saginaw Spirit. They win because he is on their side. In fact, he is on the Spirit roster (Team Messiah) and wears #490, which is seventy times seven. The Spirit, who are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, frequently pummel godless Canadians into submission, as this is the Lord's work.
Scientists conducted DNA tests on eucharist wafers after they had been blessed by a priest. The results confirmed that Jesus was a cracker (by Daniel Brockett Jr.).
Sadly blood tests run by the same scientists suggest Jesus may be an alcoholic. His blood was 6% alcohol by volume. (by Daniel Brockett Jr.)
While it is argued by some that Jesus might be black, true Americans (like Stephen Colbert) who can't see people's color wouldn't know the difference anyway.
When compared with all the non-Christian (false) deities, Jesus is the most ripped, except for perhaps Thor, but he's all about muscle mass while Jesus is about being toned.
Can do more situps than anyone else in the world (when he's not nailed to a cross). Check out that six-pack!
The obvious superiority of Christianity over Buddhism can be seen when comparing Jesus's six-pack to Buddha's blubbery mid-region.
Jesus is Allah's cousin. They met only once, and talked about beards. Jesus has a brown beard, but Allah has a black beard. Allah has a longer beard. Jesus is commonly accepted to have a more intense beard, though. And he's more photogenic than Allah. Much more photogenic. Hell, Jesus is a camera whore.
Contrary to popular belief, it was recently revealed on The Report that George Bush is not Jesus or God, but personally chosen by him as a middle man.
Jesus saves lives and then redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus is the wind beneath Superman's wings.
Jesus's penis size is 15 Inches. He is every womans dream and every Prison-Bitches Nightmare.
Jesus is widely regarded as one of the greatest NASCAR drivers ever, despite only starting seventeen races in his career. He has won eighteen NASCAR races, including the first Daytona 500 in 1958.
Despite what The Bible says, Jesus hates hobos. They dirty up his holy self and their stench drives him round the twist.

Jesus floating down from the heavens on a cloud of money

Jesus beat the owner of the planetoid Pluto, the group known as Monty Python in an arm-wrestling competition by growing four extra arms and beating them all. That's why Pluto is so freaking far away.
Jesus now has 20% more peanuts.
Jesus did not want his religion to be called Christianity. He originally named it Judaism 2.0, but it never stuck.
Jesus is an 8th degree blackbelt and is level 100 in the skills of Illusion, Destruction, Blade, Acrobatics, and Stealth.
Jesus Taught Big-Boss, Solid Snakes 'father' the art of Tactical Espionage. His other student "The Boss" just assisted and took over in Big-Bosses training when Jesus was called to dispatch a troop of Bears led by the evil, soulless "Yogi" that invaded heavens courtyard. It took a *very* long time for yogi to die when Jesus hanged him infront of everyone (2 hours of slowly strangling on the rope. Yogi shat and pissed himself as he dangled)
Contrary to popular belief, Jesus never has played as the Covenant in Halo 3.
Jesus managed to resurrect himself after death because he drank 13 Red Bull energy drinks before being nailed to the cross.
Jesus was actually a Muslim, becoming the first secret Muslim when his followers posthumously deified him and changed his message (by Daniel Brockett Jr.).
Currently residing in Chippewa Falls, WI