Joan of Arc
From Wikiality
Contents |
Her History Of Heresies
Joan began worshiping the devil at the young age of seven. A year later she denounced the Catholic Church and converted to Lutheranism. If these actions were not heretical enough, at the age of 12, she became sexual active, and started hearing voices that she claimed to came from God.
Meeting With The Dolphin
Even though Joan was possessed by the devil and mentally unstable, she was able to gain audience with the Dolphin of France. There, she was able to charm the Dolphin (through sorcery) into letting her lead a French army (It should be noted that the French Military to this day, still fight as if they were commanded by little girls) against the British.
A Wench & A Plague Of Frogs
Surprisingly, she lead the French Army to victory against the British, at the Battle of New Orleans by destroying the town dike and drowning the English forces. After the Siege of New Orleans, Joan was shot in the leg with a silver tipped arrow. With her powers weakened by a well placed silver arrow, the British easily captured the heretic.
Trial And Execution
Soon after her capture, and after her battle wounds healed (they wanted her at full health before they killed her), Joan was ready to stand trial for heresy.
Even while she was imprisoned and facing a possible death sentence, Joan's sexual appetite remained ravenous like a sodomite's. Her sexual encounters with her captors led to them to ultimately take all Joan's clothing and make her dress in men's clothing so they would not be so easily seduced.
The Inquisitors effectively proved that Joan was not hearing the voice of God, by retorically asking, "Why would God communicate with a Women?" Even more damning still, evidence of her Lesbianism was provided by the sight of her short hair and men's clothing she wore.
One Stake, Well Done
Joan was easily found guilty of heresy and lesbonic activities during her short life, only one fate remained for such an evil creature. She was sentenced to death. The penalty for heresy was burning (picture marshmallows over an open flame) at the stake. After her body was incinerated, her ashes were fed to dogs.
Retrial
Unfortunately, the now defunct Catholic Church of France retried Joan posthumously for the sake of new found "evidence" that not only was she not a heretic, but rather, a saint.
