John Travolta
From Wikiality
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John Gaylord Barbarino Travolta is a modern Renaissance man who dabbles in a number of Hollywood professions, the cult of $cientology, and Greco-Roman male wrestling.
| John Travolta
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| Birthplace | Scientific Lab |
| Religion | Xenu Hater |
| Education | Learned at the right hand of Mr. Kotter |
| Occupation | Flip-Flopper |
| Residence | His own private Idaho |
| Spouse | A Beard |
| Super Powers | Fighting Xenu and wearing toupees |
| Fun Fact | John is not a gay...at least according to his publicist. |
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[edit] Early Life
John Travolta was constructed in a fertility clinic by a bunch of inebriated, mad scientists. Unfortunately, Travolta was mistakenly born created with no body hair and an antenna protruding from his head. Disturbed by the mess that they made, the scientists abandoned Travolta in the woods and opted to instead focus their time on more important junk like the internets. The story of his abandonment in the woods is widely believed to be the inspiration for the television series Welcome Back Kotter.
Some Bears found Travolta in the woods and decided to train him as one of their own. Thus, Travolta spent his formative years being raised trained by Bears.
Eventually, Travolta's Bear family decided that he should infiltrate his own kind to act as a spy for the Bears while also learning to terrorize Americans. First, the Bears ensured that Travolta learned to speak American by watching liberal news stories on television.
Second, the Bears created a toupee for Travolta to cover his bald head and antenna so that he would better fit in.
Finally, the Bears enrolled Travolta in James Buchanan High in Brooklyn, New York where he was instructed by known Communist Gabe Kotter. Kotter trained Travolta to be a terrorist. Of special note, while in high school, Travolta invented the "up your nose with a rubber hose" torture technique that later proved influential with Middle Eastern terrorists.
Travolta's hobbies in highschool included participating in 1950s school musicals and dancing at the local discotheque.
Eventually, well-versed in the terrorist arts, and bored with high school, Travolta left school early to embark on his professional career.
[edit] Professional Career
Rather than focus on terrorism, Travolta embarked on the Quixotic journey to discover his true self and ideal career. Notoriously, this search has led John Travolta to have many careers in Hollywood. One of his most famous careers was a hitman working for mob boss Marsellus Wallace. Among other careers, Travolta has also been employed as an "Urban Cowboy," and a cabbie / babysitter to a talking baby.
Because Travolta resides in Hollywood, it was only a matter of time before he began to feel obliged to publicly voice his opinions. Travolta has recently been speaking out against psychotropic medications in favor of permitting serial killers to run amok. In truthiness, Travolta's anti-medication agenda reflects his communist, anti-corporation agenda.
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Travolta also believes that the spread of homosexuality can be prevented through the practice of a specialized $cientological suppression technique called "denial." Travolta continually publicly speaks in favor of this technique and points out how it helped him.
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Travolta's continual career changing and inability to hold onto a job is attributed to his flip flopping nature due to his lack of love for the Baby Jesus.
[edit] Personal Life
[edit] Hobbies and Interests
John Travolta spends most of his free time with other male "friends" in Hollywood, including his best friend, Tom Cruise.
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Among other "manly" hobbies, Travolta and Cruise practice $cientology together. $cientology apparently requires Travolta and Cruise to attend many discreet meetings with other men. At these secret meetings, Travolta is known to engage in intense wrestling matches. Travolta has been the $cientology wrestling champion for five years running.
[edit] Family
Travolta's "wife" is Kelly Preston. Preston was specially choosen for Travolta by Tom Cruise. Travolta and his wife were married in a traditional $cientology wedding ceremony.
In keeping with his Bear-training, Travolta encourages his "wife" to appear in as many photos with him as possible in an attempt to fit in with regular married folks.
A fierce observer of tradition, Travolta has two children who were made in the same manner as himself. Travolta has a daughter who is in the running to become the next $cientology princess, and another child who, according to the guidlines of $cientology, is never photographed, referred to, or permitted to leave the basement of Travolta's house. It is unknown whether Travolta intends for his children to eventually be trained by Bears as he was.
[edit] Factoids
- Tom Cruise is the pitcher and John Travolta is the catcher for the $cientology "baseball team."
- Travolta is on pace for breaking the record held by Elvis for most fried foods consumed during a lifetime.
- Travolta's life-long dream is to be the "tight end" for Michael Vick.
- Travolta is a Cockthusiast.
- Travolta and his wife are so ashamed of their son, because of his autism, that they virtually pretend he does not exist, and never bring him out in public. They were recently nominated for Parents of the year by the assholes institute].
