Kool-Aid
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Kool-Aid is a chemical compound created as part of a communist plot to brainwash American children. The mascot for Kool-Aid is the infamous Kool-Aid Man. He has been arrested on mutliple accounts for breaking and entering. The fact that he is communist red is no coincidence. If a giant pitcher of Juice comes crashing through my window going "OH YEAH" I am going to do nothing but shoot him...and beat him with a toaster for a couple minutes.
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Chemical Composition
Since chemistry is simply another invention of the factinistas, and is inherently wrong, few scientists are able to accurately define the composition of Kool-Aid. The most credible theory, stated by truthmotologist Pat Robertson, says that Kool-Aid is actually comprised of 2 parts water, 1 part poison, and 7 parts evil.
Excessive experimentation later led to the discovery of the official chemical formula of Kool-Aid: PS(OF). The formula has absolutely no chemical basis, making it impossible for chemists to disprove it. It was derived by Pat Robertson using one of the fundamental laws of truthiness:
Effects on the Human Body
The immediate effects of Kool-Aid on the human body are subtle, but they become more severe over time. Once ingested, the Kool-Aid runs through the body into the pituitary gland, which consequently starts to bubble. This causes symptoms that can vary anywhere from mild headaches to acute delusion, but the ultimate outcome is the complete loss of gutly instincts. Side effects also include spontaneous combustion and diarrhea. Also, it may transform you into a Toucan-faced democracy eating Communist.
Individuals who drink Kool-Aid are advised to take their own lives. If they don't, the effects of the compound will eventually lead them to believe that there are more nerve endings in their head than in their gut. Such a belief can cause a severe lack of judgement, causing the individual to commit unspeakably horrible acts such as recycling, reading a book, and even voting Democratic.
Exactly 35.87 people around the world suffer from Kool-Aid related deaths daily. The .87 is made up of unborn babies within a mother's womb. No one really knows (or cares) if they are constituted as being full "humans", hence the fraction. So far, Stephen Colbert is the only known human that is immune to the effects of the poison. Scientists are rapidly trying to produce a remedy using the sweat of his balls and his manly allure, but have been unsuccessful as of yet.
Official beverage of the Democratic party
Kool-Aid is the official drink of the Democratic Party. Democrats drink laced Kool-Aid by the gallon. No one knows the exact chemical composition of the lace in Kool-Aid, but the effects include delusion, bizarre beliefs in Ridiculous Theories and Notions like gravity, evolution and pi, aggressiveness, the love of bears and Cuba, a tendency to vote Green, and an overwhelming desire to choke George W. Bush with a pretzel.
Democrats use Kool-Aid to swallow the "blue pill" (from the movie, "The Matrix") to keep them eternally insulated from the Real World, and to continue to pursue their communist ideals.
Kool-Aid in recent history
During the Cold War, communists infiltrated American television commercials, and broadcasted commercials portraying the drink as a tasty beverage. This notion caught on, and is considered to be America's greatest defeat during the Cold War. Government efforts have attempted to eradicate the sale of Kool-Aid from stores, but Karl Marx has brainwashed the minds of every manager of Wal-Mart, making it impossible.
At the turn of the century, the Kool-Aid man became more popular in American culture, with the commercials becoming more and more flamboyant and anti-war. The Kool-Aid man is currently in custody for refusing to serve in the army.
Factoids
- Kool-Aid is directly responsible for the creation of crystal meth.
- The three most popular flavours of Kool-Aid are cherry, orange, and terrorist.
- Kool-Aid is responsible for Mark Foley being temporarily influenced by Satan (but he's sorry now.)
- The Kool-Aid plant is run by bears and Hitler in Cuba.
- Kool-Aid Man is a liberal Commie creation and metaphorically breaks down the wall of conservatism to give welfare checks to kids. He must be stopped.
- An entire town (no Real American really cares which one) committed suicide one time, and they gave Kool-Aid with sinead in it to kill their kids.
