Michigan
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The Greatest Best State Ever 
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| Capitol: | Lansing (a suburb of Detroit) |
| State Flower: | The Awesome Flower |
| State Animal: | The Wolverine |
| Official Language: | Michigander/Yooper |
| Football Record Against Ohio State: | 57-41-6 |
| State Bird: | Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, who lives in Saginaw |
| State Motto: | You Can't Spell Cock Sucker Without OSU |
| Nickname: | The "Hey, Canada is Our State's Bitch" State |
| Governor: | A godess Jennifer Granholm |
| State Anthem: | Hail to the Victors |
| Population: | Higher than Ohio's |
| Standard MPH: | As fast as you want. The automobile companies own this state, do you actually think cars are regulated here? |
| Principal imports: | Victories over Ohio State |
| Principal exports: | Automobiles, College graduates, Pain (Exclusive to Ohio) |
| Principal industries: | U-Haul vehicles and trailers, University of Michigan Athletics |
| Fun Fact # 1: | Every election in Michigan is rigged by bears. That is why George W. Bush never won in Michigan. |
| Fun Fact # 2: | In Michigan, it snows 10 months out of the year. That's butt cold! |
Michigan is divided into an upper penninsula and lower mainland. It thus borders itself to the North and South. Thus Michigan is Michigan's Michigan.
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[edit] Founding of Michigan
Michigan was originally part of Canada. But back in 1794, Americans, led by Ford Concept Vehicle Optimus Prime, manned up and marched into Michigan, conquering the French and their bear sidekicks.
Why did they invade and conquer Michigan? First, because they could. Second, because Florida was already America's Penis, the people of fledgling America figured they needed to add a state which looked like a Giant Hand to go along with it. Not only that, but there needed to be at least one state that could reach over Ohio and bitch-slap Kentucky.
To honor the efforts of the vehicular Optimus Prime and his leadership in liberating the former Canadian land, Michigan became a state best known for its production of the automobile. Primarily, the Hummer, but also the badass American muscle car and the Big Rigs too.
[edit] The Founding of Michigan (how it really happened)
Way back before Ohio was even a word, there was the great Glenn Schembechler. Colloquially known as "Bo," Schembechler was the lesser known, more powerful brother to Kal-El (also known as Superman). On one of his routine morning flights around the world, Bo spied a land like no other he had ever seen. It was shaped like a mitten and was surrounded on three sides by water. He instantly loved it so much that he decided to leave his barren and desolate home to the immediate south and live in this new rich land. Bo quickly flew home and summoned his younger brother Chuck Norris to come see and evaluate it.
Upon laying his eyes on the lush and fruitful terrain, Chuck Norris immediately wanted it for himself and demanded that Bo give it to him. Of course, Bo refused and the two instantly became locked in mortal combat. After a period of infinite time had passed with neither gaining the upper hand, the two decided to consult a third party to settle the dispute. They flew up to heaven to talk to God about their claims. After hearing both arguments, God ruled against Bo and gave Chuck Norris the land.
Fanatically upset, Bo roundhouse kicked (a move that Chuck Norris would later copy and take all the credit for popularizing in a later life) God in the face and killed him. Taking the mantle of God for himself, Bo smited Chuck Norris with his new God powers. Chuck Norris was not to rise again until March 10, 1940 - 1 million years later. Bo then settled in his new home, naming it the most beautiful-yet tough- name he, as God, could think of: Michigan.
Bo then beat the shit out of Woody Hayes so he wouldn't rise again until 999,973 years later when he would then beat the shit out of him a second time. Thus setting the precedent of Michigan-Ohio State football.
[edit] Real Americans and Yoopers
There are two Michigans. The Lower Peninsula, which is where the Real Gays live, and The Upper Peninsula, where Gays live, also known as Yooperland. They also speak a strange dialect of English known as Yooper, drink seabreezes like maniacs, eat meaty pipes known as trouser snakes, and are practically Canadian. Generally speaking, if you know where Escanaba is and can correctly pronounce Sault Sainte Marie, there is a good chance you have at least part-Yooper heritage. It's nothing to be completely ashamed of, it just means you're not American.
No one is quite sure how America managed to acquire Yooperland or sure it really wants to, as their goal in the 1794 Invasion was to claim the Lower Peninsula, aka Big Giant Hand, for America's giant-hand-waving glory. Many believe Yoopers are also descended from the original inhabitants of the Lower Peninsula who were driven out in 1794 by tuff, strong Buckeye men.
Those Michiganders (Southern Canadiens) that inhabit the Lower Peninsula are sometimes referred to as Trolls by the Yoopers as they live "Below the Bridge." This Mackinac Bridge serves as a bridge between civilizations and prevents the migration of Yoopers into the more civilized Lower Peninsula due to the difficulty of driving a snowmobile across the 5 mile length. For unknown reasons in 2006, a bunch of godless terrorists tried to blow up the bridge with cell phones, but our hero George W. Bush smacked them down a good one!
[edit] The Attempt by Bears to Control Michigan
Currently, Michigan is under attack from Canadians and bears who want Michigan back. Their leader is Jennifer "Granholm" Mulhern, a Canadian who was elected Governor of Michigan in 2002 due to the election being rigged by bears.
Michigan easily elected Richard Nixon in 1968 and 1972, native son Gerald Ford in 1976, the great Ronald Reagan in 1980 and 1984, and George H. W. Bush in 1988. It is believed that after this point, the bears and Canadians began their takeover of statewide elections. This also explains why a champion of the people like George W. Bush never won an election in Michigan.
It also explains why Canada has been using Michigan as its personal dumping ground, sending all its trash to Flint, which has become such a smelly festering pile that even Michael Moore was repulsed.
[edit] Illegal Bear Colonization
The concerns of a bear invasion were validated when several bears in co-operation with the French and the Yooper Resistence illegally founded a colony, called Charlevoix, west of the American city of Petoskey some time in 1989. The sole purpose of this colony was to coordinate the election rigging being perpetrated by the bears.
The colony's founders claimed just to be hairy people from Louisiana but by time the rest of the state discovered it was run by bears and the French in 2001, the election had already been rigged and several Americans unwittingly had inter-bred with the bear and French colonists.
Detroit immediately came under suspicion of collaboration with Charlevoix because of the city's French name. In 2002 the Americans of Detroit voted that the city's name be changed to Delta City in honor of the 1987 movie "RoboCop". The Supreme Court knocked down the decision in a split 5-4 vote claiming the city had been named Detroit for 300 years, long before the bear / French conspiracy had been perpetrated. Most Americans agree that it is irrelevent because the bears were here when the French founded the city 300 years ago so it could have been part of a plot all along. Unfortunately there hasn't been an opportunity to bring it before the court and have the decision overturned since George W Bush finally got non-activist judges appointed to the Supreme Court.
[edit] Michigan's Last Hope
Michigan is home to the Saginaw Spirit, the only team worth seeing play the sport of hockey, who are led by Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, a mascot which has been named in honor of Stephen Colbert. Hockey was invented by Canadians, but they are now forced to EAT IT by the Spirit, the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, who pummel the godless Canadians for Stephen Colbert's personal glory, with the full support of Jesus, who also happens to be the State Messiah of Michigan.
It is believed that one day, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle will lead the real Americans in Michigan on a march on the State Capitol in Lansing, where they will destroy Mulhern and send her and all of the rest of the Canadian bears back to Canada where they belong. It is only a matter of time.
Steagle will be assisted in this duty by Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, a great American who has killed many bears with his bare hands (no pun intended). Ted, who founded the NRA with Jesus and Charlton Heston, and is a member of the Bear Hunters of America, will be more than qualified for this responsibility.
There are also efforts being conducted state-wide to re-introduce the wolverine into the wild to deter the future threat of an outright bear invasion.
[edit] Home of Eternal Road Construction
The state's highways always seem to be under construction. This may or may not just be a conspiracy to keep the companies that repair highways in business. However, due to the fact that the state is always under construction, the State Animal of Michigan is the striped construction cone (see picture, right). Reports have surfaced that bears often use their sharp teeth and claws to tear up road surfaces, simply to inconvenience Michigan residents.
