Mitch McConnell
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Addison Mitchell "Mitch" McConnell Jr. is the senior Senator from The Commonwealth of Kentucky and the new Minority Leader for the 110th Congress. You can tell he's a great Republican-American, because he's got a "Jr." at the end of his name.
Contents |
[edit] Mitch Has Friends in Coal
Mitch McConnell really loves the coal industry. I mean, like really. A lot. He's one of their very best friends. Whenever the coal industry falls and scrapes its knee, Mitch is always there, like a good Dad ready with a bandaid and some ointment and a "you'll feel better soon, kid."
[edit] Mitch Has Friends in Tobacco
He's good friends with the tobacco industry, too. But don't worry. He'll always be tighter with coal. They go back, baby. Way back. And all the way down. Coal is Mitch's homes, yo.
[edit] Mitch Has a Friend in His Wife
Mitch McConnell also deeply loves his wife, Secretary of Labor, Elaine Chao.
[edit] Mitch and His Wife Help Their Friends in Coal
When Mitch needs to help his good, good friends in the coal industry cover up a little oopsie on the scale of say, the Exxon Valdez spill, it sure is great being married to the head of the Labor Department. Labor oversees OSHA, and the Mining Safety and Health Administration, and all sorts of other useful oversight bypass valves. Mitch and Elaine, who really understand what makes America run, know that those pesky hippy liberal tree huggers always slow down the works with their demands for "investigations" and "regulations" and "resignations." Fortunately, Mitch and Elaine know that tree huggers tire quickly (and fact huggers more quickly still), so if you just ignore them long enough, they'll eventually head down the road in search of a veggie macrobiotic burrito somewhere else.
[edit] Mitch's Friends Till The (Political) Ends
Besides, it's Kentucky, remember? We're not talking baby seals here, people. The worst that can happen is some fish die, a river gets polluted, or a hillbilly gets just a teeny weeny bit inconvenienced. Does anybody give a shit, really? Admit it: Kentucky is America's Africa, almost as much as Rhode Island is. Are you even sure it exists? Mitch McConnell isn't, and he's the Senator of Kentucky. So you don't have to worry about it at all.
Mitch McConnell is a man with a lot of friends. The Republican Party is Mitch's friend. The Coal and Tobacco Industries are Mitch's friends. Jack Abramoff Business people and Lawyers are Mitch's friends. Mitch's wife Elaine is his very special friend, and they love each other sooooo much. They are both bestest good friends with the Greatest President Ever, whom they also love sooooo much. More than you can possibly imagine.
[edit] Friendly Fracts About Mitch McConnell
- Wounded his optic nerve during his service to his country (in the reserves, primarily consisting of training, and lasting only a period of 6 months) and was given honorable discharge. Hooah!
- Had courage to speak out against and cock block non-binding resolution.
