Noah's Ark

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Imagine a boat as cool as this, only MUCH bigger!

Noah's Ark was a huge seaship built by Noah, God's favorite sailor and a true honorary American hero. The Ark was built explicitly to save God's preferred animals from a massive flood which covered the entire Earth some 5,000 years ago.

[edit] Manifest

God was very explicit about which animals were allowed on to the Ark. And Noah was a dutiful servant of The Lord. But due to all the craziness of the day, and the treachery of Satan, bears, and environmentalists, some things didn't quite pan out.

[edit] Approved animals

• 2 elephants - because God knew how important they'd be to Republicans and Stephen Colbert
• 2 Bald eagles - see above reason
• 2 cats - because The Lord loves them so
• 2 dogs - to guard the Ark from liberals
• 2 Platypuses - because they are so cool and useful
• 2 Echidnas - to make the platypuses look even cooler
• 2 birds - to help explain sex to children in a confusing tasteful way
• 2 bees - see above reason

[edit] Unapproved animals

A bear reenacts the notorious treachery which saw them board Noah's Ark and find unwarranted safety.

• Bears - though they still sneeked aboard, thanks largely to Satan
• Dragons - banned due to fire safety concerns
• Wookies - too close to humans, and a potential source of evolutionary heresy
• Yetis - same reason as above, although some might have come on with the bears
• Gay minotaurs - for obvious reasons

[edit] Fractoids

• Noah chose the name Ark in honor of Joan of Arc, who the Lord had mentioned to him in passing.
• Noah used the Ark codename to keep evil bears in the dark about the looming disaster. Sadly his plan failed and a few Godless killing machines stowed away while Noah and God were out at the Home Depot buying more wood.