Paul Bunyan
From Wikiality
Paul Bunyan is an Original American Hero™ and one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence.
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His Story
Paul Bunyan was born in a Catholic hospital, The Sisters of Temporary Mercy, New Haven, CT. Preceding his birth a fiery comet fell to the Earth and hovered just above Washington D.C. And upon that comet, riding on a speckled Unicorn was the baby Jesus.
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And from that day on the world witnesses the birth of the largest American! Like any good American, Paul Bunyan was raised on a diet of beef and flapjacks. There's nothing he loved more than a giant flapjack. His parents Sacco and Vanzetti Bunyan had to commission a giant cast iron skillet in which to make Paul's daily bounty (so called after their preferred brand of paper towels).
At an early age he took a great disliking to trees when a giant redwood fell upon his parents. Homeless and alone with a grudge against all trees he dedicated his life to their slaughter.
He went to Narnia and trained with the beavers there for 25 years and when he returned he began to cut down the encroaching forests.
During the Revolutionary war he was seen wielding the great battering ram Grond that destroyed the gates of Canada. He the became one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence. His signature was so large that it took 100 sheets of parchment. These are viewable at the Smithsonian Institute. Also, because his expert lumberjacking skills and carpentry experience (he was apprenticed to Jesus) Paul was one of the original framers of the Constitution and he built it square and true.
Once the Government of America was started Paul Bunyan went west to realize his dream, log cabins for everyone and a flapjack on every plate. As he walked west older now and very much single, he got Giant Blue Balls because he had never yet been with a Babe. He also had a dead frost bitten Ox he carried around with him. It's name isn't important. He reached the frontier and there made his announcement:
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He found his first friendship in Aunt Jemima, a flapjacktress and warlord. She made him great flapjacks in exchange for his service in her army. Troubles were brewing between her and the warlord Hungry Jack and they began to fight over the great Northwest. The Great Flapjack Wars of 1800 began. The battles between Hungry Jack and the Kindly Aunt Jemima grew more and more fierce, and Paul Bunyan was run ragged fighting battle upon bloody battle. On the 100th day of the Great Flap Jack wars Hungry Jack sent forth a challenger to face Paul in single combat, which would decide the fate of the battle. They sent forth David, a little kid from South Hampton who was on vacation with his family somewhere near Yellowstone (named so because Paul Bunyan had once urinated there). David slew Paul Bunyan with a small rock. He died and was buried in the Great Hills of North Dakota.
Where He Has Been Seen Since His Untimely Death
Since he died he has been busy playing Halo 3. He is also a part-time bowling alley clerk. Things have been hard for Paul since his death. He never gets invited to parties anymore.
Haters
The Liberal Media
Hungry Jack
Pecos Bill
The Brawny Guy
Johnny Appleseed
Why He Will Live Forever
He is only known maker of the sorcerer's stone. British lesser wizard Nicholas Flamel stole it from him. Paul Bunyan has since retrieved it, and will therefore live forever in Florida.
