Gay
From Wikiality
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The Gays are the single greatest crazy[1] fagtacular threat facing God's Law, God's Love, America, God's America, American Culture, The American Family, The American Dream, The American Language, America's God and Stephen Colbert today, besides bears. By definition, the gays are Godless America-hating liberal heathens.
At the same time, gayness is the single greatest asset to God's American Republican Party, because the gays are so, so very bad and wicked that they never fail to get the godly, American, Republican base all riled up and ready to vote, just in time to Protect Marriage anew with each election cycle.
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[edit] Defining Gay
- A transitive property.
- Slang for homosapien.
- People who aren't married. Ideally they should be herded into Taxachusetts.
- The wrong choice.
- A group of sophisticated, urban It-getters famous for being the first to adopt new trends.
- Former Governor Jim McGreevey.
- My interior designer.
- Your son who plays with dolls.
- 98% of Catholic priests.
[edit] Etymology
Many people who use the word "gay" nowadays do not even know what it really means to be "gay". Literally, the word "gay" means a color - a color similar to that of pea soup, but with just a little more gray mixed in -- sort of a greenish-gray color: gay. This word gave rise to the popular expression in the 70s, "Man, that pea soup is so gay". Pretty soon, people started applying the word to other things as well, and then finally, to certain people who gave off a gay-colored aura in public. Sometime around 1980, people realized that these people couldn't exactly help the color of their auras, but still, nobody is really sure what exactly it is they do to get that way. This is actually one of the most crucial problems facing our time.
[edit] Religious Positions on Homosinuality
- "Gay is a decadent lifestyle choice that many make in order that they can get the nicest clothes, eat at the coolest restaurants, and get persecuted mercilessly for the rest of their lives."- Uncited (likely Jesus or Jerry Falwell, but really, what's the difference)
- "In Vatican parlance, that means too gay to be a priest." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005
- "On Tuesday, Pope Benedict released his first major policy initiative. An instruction that states men with deep seated homosexual tendencies could not be priests. While those with transitory tendencies could be. Therefore proving the transitive property of gayness." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005
- "Transitory means temporarily gay, like while you're stuck in prison (or traffic)." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005
- "The Church has a simple rule. If you've had no homosexual encounters for 3 years or more, you can become a priest." - Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, 11/30/2005
[edit] Stephen's Various Gay Positions
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- Stephen offered his provisional support for gay marriage in as a way of bolstering the number of Americans who are married. He would like to provide this "benefit" to the gays just till we get our numbers back up to 50%; then, of course, we would take the right to marriage away from them again.
- On a personal level, Stephen congratulates Dan Savage on the success of his book, his marriage, and his family life. As a Christian, Stephen condemns Dan to hell.
- Stephen feels there is nothing wrong with being gay for cash, in principle, but sexually, he just doesn't find homosexual men or women appealing at all. Except for a very few of the hotter lipstick dykes on TV, but that's it.
[edit] The Gay Menace
| Nothing is more dangerous than a triangle shaped shopping Leatherman.
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[edit] Homosexual Agenda
[edit] Gay Language
At some point around the Civil War, the gays got fed up with the leadership of the Confederacy and decided to riot because of something done by or to or because of the great Confederate General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson. No one really knows for sure what happened, but since then the gays have gone on and on about "After Stonewall," so it must have been big. Anyway, "After Stonewall," the gays decided that they didn't like being called "faggots" or "fairies" or "butt-munchers" anymore, and started making up their own crazy names for themselves. Like "gay." And the girl gays aren't "dykes" any more, they're "lesbians." Well, some of them are still "dykes." But if you don't know, you'd better stick with "Lesbian." "Lesbo" is not okay, ever, apparently.
Sometime in the 1980's, the fags and the lesbos got together and hatched a scheme to gay up the American language even more by inventing the word "homosexual." Now, with the help of the wordonistas, their homolexographical agenda is turning our dictionaries gay. That's why you can only trust your gut and not reference books.
An even more radical brand of gays call themselves "queer." We can't even go into what that means for fear it will corrupt any children who might accidentally read this.
see: *Feynglish
[edit] Gay Politics
[edit] Gay Culture
[edit] Gay Marriage
[edit] Gay Adoption
[edit] What Can Be Done About The Gays?
[edit] Send them back to where they came from.
The Gay is actually indigenous to Homoslavia, which shares its border with the nation of Gaysreal. Its economy is largely driven by revenue from high-culture endeavors and institutions such as strangely popular modern art galleries, fabulous fashion shows, and super popular, SUPER-fabulous hair salons. That being said, its culture is believed to represent a threat to the thickly-furred and beflanneled man common to the US. Though Average Joe American may find it difficult to deny the appeal (and the perversely sinful allure) of a tall, dark, strapping young Gay immigrant in a smashingly sexy Armani suit offering a fresh plate of Baked Alaska in one hand and drawing up a new, more Feng Shui-friendly arrangement for his powder room with the other, he must resist and recoil. Self-flagellation might be prudent at this point. Once he's beaten the Gay out of his dirty, dirty mind, he ought to organize a massive charity concert in Homoslavia, complete with performances by such icons as Cher, Elton John, Melissa Etheridge and the like. Perhaps an added touch- an umbrella in the appletini, if you will- might be a ceremony beforehand in which Madonna adopts an orphaned Gay minority infant. Or six. With a rainbow parade afterwards. This would all but guarantee the immediate booking of flights by Gays the world over to their native land. And there they'd remain, hopelessly enthralled by the songs and celebration, pulsating lights, gyrating leopard-print speedos and mosh pits of many mulleted-wymmin moshing. Then and only then can America lower its guard. Yes, Mr. Joe American- with this plan in place, you could safely kick back. Relax. Grab a beer and your wife's ass and await the Apocalypse, smug in your assurance that you shall never catch The Gay and that Jesus will emerge from the clouds and beam you to Heaven and its waiting crop of 72 eager and nubile, yet amply-breasted virgins. Er... something like that. Amen.
[edit] Curing Gayness
Thankfully, a cure for gayness was found by the Vatican sometime in earlier history. It has been known as crucifiction, quartering, stoning, burning at the stake, Advil and the like but you might know it as exorcism or purification.
[edit] God's Love
Future Born Again Christians Club
[edit] Ex-Gay
- Ex-Gay
- "Reparative Therapy," Exodus, PATH, Homosexuals Anonymous and many other wonderful healing institutions can teach the gays how to properly loath and condemn themselves for a lifetime. Praise Jesus.
[edit] NARTH
The National Association for Repeating Truthyisms about Homosexuals (NARTH) wants to show you how it's all your Mother's fault[2][1] The American Psychological Association dismisses their claims that homosexuality is pathological, and disputes the "science" NARTH's claims. Short of an endorsement from Our Glorious Stephen or God Himself, what higher verification of truthiness could they seek?
NARTH vs. *NAMBLA: Gay rumble in the Gay jungle?
[edit] Gaydar
[edit] Common Misperceptions about Gaiety
- Not "born that way"
- God never forgives
- Not as much fun as it looks
- Christians can throw good parties, too - and be snazzy dressers!
- Unlike the retarded, the gays are not "just like you and me." (Also unlike the retarded, the gays do run in packs, well-dressed, partying packs. And they do rule the night.)
[edit] Homofactuals
- Gays simply adore some guy named Oscar
- Strange as it seems, some Republicans are gays
- God believes that all WikiNerds (Wikipedia super-users) are "TOTALLY gay".
[edit] See Also
- Godless Sodomite
- Roman Empire
- Rome
- The American Family
- Tumbling
- Virginality
- Wrestling
- Fort Marriage
- Jesus Camp
- Vatican
- Gays for Colbert
[edit] Notes
- ↑ This has to be one of the top 10 truthiest letters ever written, surpassing even St. Paul's Epistle to the Ephesians.
