Ralph Nader
From Wikiality
Can you believe it!? Ralph is running for President! OMGWTFBBQM8!!! Whoudda tahunk it?
Ralph Nader is the Ross Perot of the filthy, filthy liberals. Nader is such a watermellon that he is green - as in leader of the Green Party. In 2000, he lead the Green Party to an amazing 2% of the general vote! It is obvious this man must be stopped, unless his candidacy siphons votes away from the Democrats, in which case he should be supported whole-heartedly.
Nader was born on December 4, 1734, BC. After coming to America in 1767, he has been running in every American Presidential election since they began. Before becoming an American election-helper, Ralph was a consumer advocate, who gained fame for writing a book, Unsafe at Any Speed, against the Corvair, a car manufactured by the Chevrolet division of General Motors that required owners to not only read the owners' manual, but to follow it as well. Shocking! But no one did, so the car caused many fatal accidents all across America. Who needs seatbelts or gas tanks that don't easily explode anyways? Belts just prevent one from being thrown clear of really cool-looking exploding gasoline fireballs, and were created so lazy ambulance drivers did not have to search for the body.
As a result, Ralph sued everyone, until someone said "uncle." YES, UNCLE!!!!! Which few did, but everyone remembered him as a champion for Republican causes like "small government" and "personal responsibility".
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[edit] Ralph's Political Philosophy
Ralph believes in the pure and true form of politics that is untainted by or influenced by outside forces. To the untrained eye, Ralph's philosophy seems impractical, but that's because his critics believe Ralph's philosophy should occur in their version of reality.
Of course this is ridiculous, ha, ha, ha!
In Ralph's reality (the real reality) his philosophy is tested and holds up perfectly! It works!
[edit] Topics Ralph Has Yet To Weigh In On
- the liberation of Iraq
- the coming liberation of Iran
- the lack of a plan for the liberation of non-Muslim North Korea
- the PATRIOT Act
- global warming
- voting rights
- NSA domestic warrantless wiretaps
- torture
- The Amazing Disappearing Habeas Corpus!
- health care
- manipulation of the definition of torture
- mercenaries
- the State Department shielding mercenaries
- taxing the internets
- Pakistan
[edit] What Ralph would do if elected
Unlike Hillary Ralph has no balls (hence he's never even dated)
As a result if he was elected President the following would happen.
- Guns would be outlawed
- The Death penalty would be outlawed
- All Drugs would be legalized
- Nuclear power would be outlawed
- gas burning cars would be would be outlawed
- eating meat would be outlawed
- The UN would run our forgin policy
- Churchs that refused to marry gays would be burned
- all sex acts would be legalized
- promotion of religion in a public place (including churchs) would be outlawed
- Mexico would become a protectorate effectivly erasing the border
- heterosexual sex to be classifled as rape
- death pentality abolished
- military disassembled
- all theft by poor people to be refered to as welath redistrobution
- white women who don't date black guys to be sent to reeducation camps (couse of the guys try to get lucky they'll go to prison for attempted rape)
[edit] America's Great White Hope
Whenever the campaign season heats up, Ralph is thawed from his natural frozen state of readiness to come to cable news' rescue.
Despite Ralph's amazing lack of substance in many issues of great import to America, Ralph will one day become America's leader. It is almost certain that once he ascends to the Oval Office, someone will provide him the guidance he is currently lacking.
Until that happens, Ralph speaks out on TV whenever America needs him.
Whenever America starts to see a difference between the two major parties, Ralph is there!
Whenever America sees an experienced leader who can govern, Ralph is there!
Whenever America's environment is threatened with protections, Ralph Nader swoops in to convince his followers that the environment doesn't care who can govern, just as long as the someone in charge has never been able to get elected, re-elected, hold office or work with people with different ideas. All the environment cares about is having a leader who sounds good. Just ask Ralph, he'll be by in a little bit...
[edit] Fun Facts
- Stephen likes Ralph because he splits the liberal vote, unlike Gail Parker who split the Republican vote
- Stephen's grandmother actually died from not having a seatbelt.
- Expectations are very high for Mr. Nader's success this, his third time, running for America's decider, you go Ralph, everyone knows you will win this time!
- The four words most heard by Ralph Nader are "fuck you Ralph Nader"
- is considered the King of Timing as he never appears on TV unless an election is really close or if campaigns start to make sense
- Ralph is the Don Imus of politics: a man who made sense at one time, but who should seriously consider retiring now that he is so old and out of touch. He did not, however, call anybody "nappy-headed hoes"... yet...Ralph is having problems with his home satellite hook-up.
- Stephen loves all of us.
- Not even liberals like Nader.
