Rose of the Prophet Muhammad

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"Rose of the Prophet Muhammad"
may or may not be in Asia or good at math

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Roses of the Prophet Muhammad are wickedly tempting fruity-filled confections. You'll swear your tongue has died and tasted 72 virgins!

A Rose of the Prophet Muhammad is a delicious pastry blessed by Muhammad, great prophet of Islam. Despite its terroristic origins, it is quite tasty and has an enjoyable raspberry filling that will have any consumer swearing that it must be American. The United States and its brave patriots would certainly love to take credit for such a marvelous thing, but in truth, nobody knows exactly where the Roses of the Prophet Muhammad originated...

The Name

Although terrorists hate us for our freedoms, it may be possible to assuage their mindless rage by using the honorific "peace be upon his name" after mentioning the Prophet (Muhammad, for those not "in the عرف شخص"). As such, this sweet holds the title of having the longest name of any pastry in the world in spoken language: "Rose of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon his name". Put that in your pipe and smoke it.^[1]

Make Your Own Roses

This recipe^[2] will take 2 episodes of "The Colbert Report" to set up and 1 episode to cook and will yield 12 "Roses".

Equipment You Will Need

Ingredients

Making the Dough

The only mixer that will work when the electricity doesn't. Best of all, you don't need your arms!

Combine the water, milk, vanilla and خميرة together in your blender.

Fit your blender with a dough hook, beat the mixture for about 4 minutes on low to dissolve the yeast.

Sift the sugar, salt, flour and cardamom together.

Add this mixture and the egg yolk to the خميرة mixture.

Mix on low speed until it lightly comes together, then increase the speed to medium and beat until the mixture pulls away from the sides of the blender, forms a ball, and climbs slightly up the dough hook.

If you leave this shut and have enough dry ice around, you can keep items relatively cool even in 120 degrees F.+ in the dry Middle Eastern summers when the electricity is sure to be out.

Remove the dough from the blender and let rest in the refrigerator for 15 minutes.

(For the next few steps, you will need to find someone who has both arms and both hands)

On a floured surface, place the butter. Lightly dust the top of the butter with flour. Using a rolling pin, lightly pound the butter until flat.

Fold the butter in half and continue to pound the butter until the butter is workable. Using your hands, shape the butter into a 8-inch square.

Remove the dough from the refrigerator and place on a second floured surface. Roll the dough into a 16 inch square. Place the butter in the center of the dough. Fold the ends of the dough in towards the center, forming a package. Lightly press the ends into the dough, sealing the package completely. Carefully lift the package off of the surface and redust the surface with flour. Lay the package back down on the floured surface.

Using a rolling pin, roll the dough out to about a 24-inch rectangle. Fold one end of the dough into the center, then the other end, so that it resembles a letter, and forms a square. (You should have three layers of dough)

Place the dough in the refrigerator and allow the dough to rest for 25 minutes. Roll out the dough a second time, forming a rectangle. Repeat the folding process from above two more times, making sure the dough rests between turns.

On a floured surface, roll the dough out 1/4 inch thick. Cut the dough into 12 (4-inch) squares. Brush the edges of the dough with the egg wash. Add a spoonful of the cream cheese filling to the center of the square. Place a teaspoon of the jam in the center of the cream cheese.

Cut diagonally from each corner to within 3/4 inch of the center. Fold the four alternate points to the center, pressing them down lightly to hold them in place.

Place the pastries on a parchment lined baking sheet and let rise for 30 to 40 minutes.

Baking The Roses

The only oven that will work when your electricity doesn't, just keep an eye out for airborne projectiles.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F, or open the door.

Brush the tops of each pastry with the egg wash and bake for 10 minutes. Reduce the heat to 350 degrees F and continue to bake for 10 minutes or until browned and crisp.

Brush the roses with the glaze and serve warm.

Praise Allah! Baking of the Roses is complete!

Serving

Roses may be served for any occasion.

Footnotes

1. ↑ Roses go well with opium.
2. ↑ Adapted from: Emeril Lagasse's "Continental Breakfast" episode (© 2007 Scripps Networks, Inc. All rights reserved.)