Alphonso Jackson
From Wikiality
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Secretary Alphonso Jackson is the head of the Department of Hip-Hop, and one of President Bush's Black Friends. Bush loves all his Black Friends including Condoleeza Rice. Secretary Jackson was one of the original Jackson Five, but then he was adopted by the GOP, groomed for politics, and put on the fast track to become a Token GOP Black Politician.
Jackson announced his resignation effective April 18, 2008, in order to spend more time with his family.
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Duties
African-American Jackson has many responsibilities in the White House. They range from co-sponsoring the Department Scratching and Mix Tapes to reading the White House's stance on Urban Development to the cameras. His current list of responsibilities are as follows:
Writing Dope Rhymes
A major duty Jackson (black) is given is writing dope rhymes for the President. He is the President's Prime Rhyme Master, and the President often calls on his services. He typically collaborates with Colbert favorite, Jay-Z. This is not a problem for the black cabinet member because he, as most black people do, normally speaks in the hippity-hop rhyme language. This is how Stephen, who does not see color, can tell that a new Black Friend is black[1].
Example of Jackson's Skillz
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Approving all new Hippity-Hop Music
The Liberal Media is always demanding that new hippity-hop songs be released.[1] This also falls into the African-American lap of Secretary Jackson. Being the head of the Department of Hip-Hop[1], he must approve of every Hip-Hop song to be released, making sure it meets stringent guidelines and benchmarks. He also assures that they aren't a threat to the Department Housing and Urban Development. African-American Jackson also does his part to fight Terrorism. All National Security threats detected in hippity-hop are filtered from Jackson (black) through The Department of Homeland Security anti-terror division, subdivision "music', adjunct division "hip-hop", department "Scary Things in Hip-Hop Music Not Related to "Drugs"[1], "Cop-Killin'"[1], "Ho's"[1], or "The Streets".
Filing
Jackson, Black Secretary, does what many Secretaries do, filing. And in this category he is a Secretary of incredible caliber. He is well versed in the alphabet and quite skilled at putting things in order. He got his filing claim to fame when presented with the "Juan Rodriguez Problem of 2005"[1]. When filing, he encountered two people both named "Juan Enrique Rodriguez III". The problem is obvious: which goes first? African-American Secretary Jackson came up with the landmark solution of alphabetizing people with the same name in order of their mother's maiden name.
It is quick thinking like this that makes Jackson (black) the great Secretary he is today.
Head Shaving
Even the hardworking African-American Secretary needs time for recreation. Jackson finds inner peace and tranquility in the fine art of head shaving. First he applies a gentle pre-shave lotion, followed by a caressing shaving cream. This is left to sit for 4-6 minutes. Jackson then, using his Mach 5 razor, with great joy, shaves his head against the grain. This is not only fun, it also helps the President tell him and Condoleezza Rice (also black) apart, so it is a duty as well.
Dealing with Applicants
Most of the day Secretary Jackson (black) reviews applications for government supported housing and listens to mix tapes. Part of the job of the Secretary of Hip-Hop is to find beautiful government housing for rising hip-hop stars. The President believes that we need a constant influx of new and exotic hip-hop music. Under the guidance and leadership of President Bush, a place has been created where hip-hop artists and their art form can be nurtured without having to worry about the day to day struggles of life. Unfortunately, not all rising stars have the talent needed to succeed.[1] It is the Black Secretary's job to filter out who is deserving of THE HUD (government housing/rap star palace's) and who must go live in the suburbs. He makes this decision based on applications, letters of reference, and the mix tape. Sometimes applicants who are denied can get violent.[1] Luckily for Jackson, he is well equipped to put the Smack-Down on any young upstarts, both physically and lyrically. Typically it doesn't need to come to blows or bullets because of African-American Jackson's extreme lyrical prowess. He simply utters a crippling and ego bruising rhyme and the applicant drops to the floor, completely lost for words. He recently shamed one applicant, who expressed the concern that Jackson (black) didn't have the authority to deny admission to HUD housing based on a "lyrically lacking" mix tape, with this scathing rhyme:
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Being Funny
Though it seems that Jackson (black) has many duties that keep him quite busy, he always has time for more. One of the duties of Black Politician Jackson is to be wacky and funny for the President. President Bush loves Carlton from "That Fresh Prince Show" and adopted Jackson to fill that role in his life. When Bush feels lonely Jackson is called in to execute (Bush loves things 'well executed', as he should!) a well scripted series of antics. It often cheers him right up, especially after a rough evening with Putin. A popular skit is when Jackson gets a blue collar job to prove he can fit in with the common man. This makes milk routinely come out of Bush's nose.
Position In Line of Succession
If the President were to die[1](which he won't, he is protected by the Hand of God), and eight more people who are in line for the Presidency die with him,[1] Jackson will become President of the US. In the United States Presidential Line of Succession he is 9th. Jackson never ever wants this to happen because he is a True American™.
Fun Facts
- kissable bald black head
- champion pinochle player
- doesn't like 'soul food'
- He likes George Bush... In more ways than you think.
