Saint Stephen
From Wikiality
Saint Stephen was the first deacon of the One True Church, the first martyr for Jesus, the First King of Hungaria, and the first great prophet of truthiness. He was pretty fucking holy, is all I'm trying to say.
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The Truthfully True Truthiness-filled History of The Great St. Stephen
For Real
Stephen was born in a small Hungarian village back in the days shortly after the Jews killed Jesus. Like all Hungarians, Stephen was descended from Attila the Hun, which means that all of his family were pretty much mean, maurading, plains-sweeping killing machines. Then, one day, Stephen recognized that he was not on the right Path. So he accepted Jesus Christ as his Personal Lord and Savior. Hallelujah...Amen...
After that, Stephen began to rise slowly in the ranks of the early Church. Now, you may have heard some rumors that the early Christians practiced group marriage and lived in what we would essentially call "filthy love communes." Most true believers dispute these claims, but I say not so fast. Perhaps there is something to this, after all. I mean, who are we to judge? Maybe Jesus really did want us to experiment with different marital arrangements. There's nothing in the bible that says, "Thou shalt not swing," honey. I'm just saying we could try it. We're not going to go to Hell for one time.
Anyway, Stephen was great and everybody loved him and he got to do whatever he liked whenever he liked because of it. Nobody told him "no," you'd better believe that.
Except they did. Eventually, the Jews or the Romans or both got pissed off at the Christians (again!) and decided it was time for a good old fashioned stoning, and ... wouldn't you know it, Stephen was their boy. So Stephen became the glorious first martyr of the Christian Church. Oh, and the future St. Paul was one of the ones who stoned him, only he was still called "Saul" then.
But before he got stoned (and that stupid song got written), St. Stephen founded the country of Hungaria. What inquiring Heroes want to know is, why the Hell didn't he name it Stephenland, or Truthinissia?
The Founding of Hungaria by Stephen the Greatest
coming soon.
St. Stephen In Song
Some crazy, drug-addled hippies wrote the following ode to St. Stephen:
- Saint Stephen with a rose, in and out of the garden he goes,
- Country garden in the wind and the rain,
- Wherever he goes the people all complain.
- Stephen prospered in his time, well he may and he may decline.
- Did it matter, does it now? Stephen would answer if he only knew how.
- Wishing well with a golden bell, bucket hanging clear to hell,
- Hell halfway twixt now and then,
- Stephen fill it up and lower down and lower down again.
- Lady finger, dipped in moonlight, writing "What for?" across the morning sky.
- Sunlight splatters, dawn with answer, darkness shrugs and bids the day goodbye.
Hungaria honors St. Stephen, their first King, with the obligatory equine statuary.
- Speeding arrow, sharp and narrow,
- What a lot of fleeting matters you have spurned.
- Several seasons with their treasons,
- Wrap the babe in scarlet colors, call it your own.
- Did he doubt or did he try? Answers aplenty in the bye and bye,
- Talk about your plenty, talk about your ills,
- One man gathers what another man spills.
- Saint Stephen will remain, all he's lost he shall regain,
- Seashore washed by the suds and foam,
- Been here so long, he's got to calling it home.
- Fortune comes a crawlin', calliope woman, spinnin' that curious sense of your own.
- Can you answer? Yes I can. But what would be the answer to the answer man?
No one knows what this means[1].
This proves the uselessness of hippies once and for all, because anyone can tell you that any truthiful account of St. Stephen's history would focus heavily on his balls. The early Hungarians were for real. In factiness, it is suspected that St. Stephen's bad-assery is part of what made his descendents such assholes.
External Links
- St. Stephen at Eternal Word Television Network (bound to be a source of truth)
- St. Stephen from Butler's Lives of the Catholic Saints
- The Other St. Stephen at Catholic Community Forum
- A tribute to Saint Stephen (Colbert)
Notes
