The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 278

[edit] Production Info

Date: June 25, 2007

Season:

Episode: 278

Production code: 3085

"I examine Cheney's power. Can he hold a meeting so secret not even he knows about it?"

"Plus, what dangers lurk underwater – besides the water, which can drown you."

"And my guest Tom Hayden wants to end the War in Iraq. Finally, someone else who supports the Surge."

If you're sitting within three feet of your TV, careful! You're in the Splash Zone. This is The Colbert Report.

~ Stephen Colbert

June 25, 2007 The Colbert Report

Healthy young dumpster divers
- Communist hippies
- They should leave America's Planet
- Colbert Nation heroes should hoard their trash to deny the Freegans the bounty of Capitalism's waste

5. Sand!
- Sand causes more deaths than sharks - why not devote a week to that, Discovery Channel? Stephen has never trusted this seemingly innocent silicate. It has always proved an inadequate building material for his castles.

4. Japan!
- Changed the name of Iwo Jima to Iwo To. Change the history books will you, Japan? Well, two can play at that game. From now on, Japanese internment camps will be known as Best Happy Mandatory Sleepover Fun Zones.

3. Octopi!
- They are honing their Lego skills while plotting a takeover. These octonazis will then use their building skills to make a staircase out of the sea. Good luck trying to outrun something with eight legs, everybody. It's up to Japanese Game Show Contestants to fight them off for us.

2. Coral Reefs!
- They all have herpes. Scientists blame humans for putting too much carbon into the oceans, but that doesn't answer the basic question: Who's been fucking these sluts of the sea?

1. Dolphins!
- Dolphins are the bears of the sea. Like bears, they are vicious killers at the top of their respective food chains. Plus, both species harbor ill will against us for humiliating them to entertain our children. Fish or mammal? Pick a side, dolphins. We're at war.