The Decemberists
From Wikiality
The Decemberists are a hyper-literate progressive indie rock band, sort of like the Jethro Tull of the twenty-first century. They stole their name from the December Rebellion against Tsar Nicolas I.
On the November 29, 2006 edition of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert announced that The Decemberists, like Jeopardy!, are riding on Stephen's coat tails by ripping off Stephen's Green Screen Challenge, challenging their fans to help them with their own green screen video. Which prompted Stephen to ask why they can't just be like every other indie rock band and rip off the Pixies.
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The Counter Challenge
The Decemberists' blatant thieving prompted Stephen to declare a second Green Screen Challenge.
The Counter Counter Challenge
The Decemberists have attempted to pass themselves off as not being cowards by accusing Colbert of stealing from an on-stage lightsaber battle that the Decemberists fought during a show in San Francisco several months prior to the original Green Screen Challenge[1]. ""We already played out the light saber thing months earlier, live and on stage-- sans animation, stunt double and fancy green screen-- with pure rock, sweat and C batteries" The coat tail riding Decemberists have also countered that the band shot the video in mid July, a month before Colbert's challenge was issued.[2] However, more than likely they shot the video intending to add special effects themselves but instead, upon seeing Stephen's genius idea for the Green Screen Challenge, they decided to hitch a ride on his coattails.
The Decemberists continued in their attacks by issuing two counter challenges to Colbert. The first was to encourage their fans to edit them defeating Stephen Colbert in their video. They also challenged Stephen to a guitar solo competition, which is just silly. Everyone knows gentlemen only duel with banjos, fiddles, or bassoons:
"We'd like to announce the very first 'Decemberists vs. Stephen Colbert Guitar Solo Challenge'. Put down the pen, Colbert, and pick up the axe! Let's see what kind of man you really are — Let's shred."
But The Decemberists' challenge managed only to manuever them right into Stephen's trap: They had forgetten that Stephen was the lead singer and guitarist for noted 80's new wave sensations Stephen and the Colberts.
The Counter3 Challenge
On the December 7, 2006 edition of The Colbert Report, Stephen accepted The Decemberists' counter-counter-challenge. He invited them to appear on The Report on December 20th, 2006 to settle it like men, granting them the home field advantage by allowing them to appear in December.
Within days, the Decemberists accepted Dr. Colbert's invitation. Dr. Colbert went solo a solo with Decemberist Chris Funk, who shared with Pitchfork his "strategy for total Guitar Solo Challenge domination":
"I'm going to dust off my white high-top Reeboks, slide on my stirrup pants and chug a two-liter of Mountain Dew."
On the day of the challenge, Funk delivered a shredding guitar solo that was truly, well, funky. But Colbert struck back by unleashing a neo-classical guitar fury worthy of Yngwie Malmsteen - no, actually way more awesome than Malmsteen - using a five-necked guitar borrowed from Rick Nielsen. He played so fast, however, that he cut his finger within two seconds, by which time he had already torn through "Purple Haze", "Stairway to Heaven", "Layla", "Sunshine of Your Love", "Smoke on the Water", "Charlene (I'm Right Behind You)", "I Will Follow", "We're Not Gonna Take It", "Walk This Way", "Revolution Calling", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Name", "Test for Echo", "Tales of Endurance", "Chasing Cars", "Octavarium", and at least a dozen songs that haven't even been written yet at a speed almost too fast to be audible to the human ear. Fortunately, Peter Frampton was on hand to finish what the master had begun, and Chris Funk was roundly defeated. Dr. Henry Kissinger proclaimed Stephen Colbert (and Peter Frampton) the winner(s) with the statement, "The American people won." They most certainly did.
The Ultimate Triumph Of Stephen
Burned by the heaviness of Stephen and Peter's combined shredding, The Decemberists, tail tucked firmly betwixt their legs, utimately produced a proper video for "O, Valencia!" sans greenscreen. In the video, a group of juvenile delinquents beat and kick Decemberists lead singer Colin Meloy. Freudian schadenfreude?
The Crane Wife
Face it - even though The Decemberists are coattail-riding jerks, they do rock. Stephen Colbert said so himself, and he is always right. Their latest album, The Crane Wife, is a perfect example of their hyperliterate prog-rockingness (not to be confused with the Marquis of Rockingham, a former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, though he is slated to have an eleven-minute epic song devoted to him on The Decemberists' next album, rumored to be titled Lessons Learned From Birger Dahlerus, Stephen Colbert, William H. Crawford, Empedocles, Charles the Fat, and Other Notables; how that Swedish bastard Dahlerus got first billing over Dr. Colbert, nobody knows) and should be purchased and listened to obsessively by members of the Colbert Nation and anyone else who loves Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, America, and/or freedom.
See Also
- Colin Meloy
- Chris Funk
- Symphonies of the Infernal
- Stephen Colbert's Rock and Awe: Countdown to Guitarmageddon
