God
From Wikiality
God
| |
| Male | Republican |
| 01/01/6000 B.C. - | |
| Birthplace | America |
| Nationality | American |
| Occupation | Republican Lawmaker, lobbyist |
| Spouse | Mrs. God |
| Children | Jesus, Steve McQueen, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Stephen Colbert, Billy Sunday, Peter Frampton |
God (aka God, the Ultimate Entity,; Infinitely Just God; Almighty God; etc.), better known as Tecumseh, or to Americans as Ronald Reagan, is the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-hearing (he can also read your thoughts and sub conciousness, so If you have a tiny tiny shard of doubt, its hell-oroma time when you die!!!) Ayran white male creator of the universe and the one true God who holds the keys to heaven: a really rockin' place featuring a 24 hour all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and an endless supply of Budweiser beer. Heaven belongs to America because God is American. Contrary to popular belief, America is God's front lawn, which is why He puts up garden gnomes like George Bush.
Contents |
God and Politics
God, the Intelligent Designer, is synonymous with Stephen Colbert and George W. Bush. God, the Final Judge, elected Bush president and guided his mighty hand as he brought liberty and freedom to the godless heathens in Iraq, who welcomed U.S. troops by throwing rose petals at their feet and welcoming them as liberators... not that you ever see anything good like that on liberal leftist networks like CNN.
The Bible tells us that Celestial God watches Comedy Central Monday-Thursday. It's not clear if He watches at 8pm Pacific Time, or 11pm Eastern time.
It is also a proven fact that Omniphiliac God is a neo-conservative... or a Republican... whatever George W. Bush describes himself as being at any given time. This has been proven by many Bible verses.
Whenever you feel like asking questions, such as "why is the sky blue" or "why did George W. Bush invade Iraq"? Just remember the only answer you need ever know: "because God wishes it." No other answer is required.
All-Merciful God has appointed many representatives here on Earth, including Steve McQueen, Pat Robertson, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Stephen Colbert. God hates Al Franken and all liberals. It says so in the Bible, somewhere in the back.
God, the One True God, was born in America (Battle Creek, Michigan) and swaddled in the American flag. His mother and father were simple Americans who didn't question authority, preferring instead to just do as they were told and trust in their leaders. God kicks ass and takes names when He has to, like in Iraq... and soon in Iran... and maybe North Korea as well.
According to the Bible, Glorious God loves everyone. But beware His wrath if you mention bears. Bears are not anyone, so they are not included in the set of "everyone." Neither are humans who mention bears; God has His own Never Existed list, just like Stephen does.
There are many different views of God across the planet, but only the Christian interpretation is correct. All other views (Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, etc.) are false and need to be eradicated as soon as possible because they are at war with our Life-giving God.
Arch-enemy
God, the Final Judge, is locked in a seemingly eternal war with His four arch-enemies. These arch enemies are:
There is also a theory that all four are actually Satan, but that has never been proved. We know who satan is.
The eternal war will end with the Rapture, when Omnipresent God, in His ultimate triumph, will suck up all believers to heaven, leaving their clothes and liberals behind.
Turn offs
Unfortunately, there are many people who hate God, the Creator, and his message of love and hope. They actually have the audacity to deny His omnipotent power. These people turn Omnipresent God off and kill His buzz. Such people include:
- The Clinton family (especially Chelsea, who may be the anti-christ)
- Solja Boy
- Hillary Clinton
- the gays
- Bears (especially gay ones)
- Evangelicals
- Fundamentalists
- Lukewarm beer
- Unamerican people
- People believing in science (not approved by God)
- Gum (which is why He destroyed Sodom and Gumorrah)
God, the G-d, knows who all these people are and what they're doing. Just like His cousin, Santa Claus, He's making his list and checking it twice... so that all these people burn in Hell.
Turn ons
- God gets His news from Fox, the only fair and balanced news organization in history.
- God is a happily married man, but if He wasn't... grrrrrrr, baby.
- The American Flag: God salutes it every morning.
- George W. Bush... in a totally manly way. Not in that Brokeback way.
- Favorite book? The Bible for dummies.
- The pleasing odor of a bullock roasting on the altar.
- Using a chunk of Lot's wife to give His fries more zing.
- The Holy Spirit, people have never learned that it is actually female and pleases the Lord God all day long.
- Almighty God hates the Jews and will smite them with his un circumcised cock hammer.
- AC/DC, Queen, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, etc.
- BIN LADEN HAHAH
- Iron Maiden
Theory
- God, the Father, made the hole in the cd and donuts.
- All-present God is inside your head below your thalamus.
- Pink God initially made everyone Republican, but some have sinned and become Democrats.
- Horrible God Made Xbox 360s Die
- Goth god fancies Maralyn Manson.
What God is NOT!
- A woman
- A her
- An illegal immigrant
- A Mexican
- A Muslim
- A Middle Eastern
- An elitist
- A Jew
- A nutter
- A Scot
Factoids
- Omniphiliac God graduated summa cum laude with a degree in everything from the University of Wisconsin.
- Runnerup for 'World's Sexiest Man' in People Magazine (He lost to Sean Connery).
- Is hopelessly addicted to candy corn.
- Taught Superman how to fly.
- Has a pet chimp named Beppo who wears a diaper and wore a top hat.
- Together with His son, Jesus, wins the 3-legged race every damn time.
- Omniscient God is infinitely old, but could pass for thirty.
- God, the Supreme Ruler, loves American Idol, but hates people who worship false idols.
- Has a crush on Soledad O'Brien.
- All-Merciful God is one of George W. Bush's closest advisors.
- Is STILL hiding dinosaur bones around the earth to fool us. What a trickster!
- Is so powerful and loved, everyone calls out His name during sex.
- Was named co-creator of the universe by George W. Bush in 2006.
- Is a critically acclaimed and widely recognized master of Kama Sutra.
- Has an annoying habit of calling everyone He meets "boss" tinker.
- Remembers every person's name at a cocktail party.
- God, the G-d, only speaks directly to priests or men who truly love white Jesus, like Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh.
- Has pet Holy Goat named Buttercup.
- Has a secret cubby stash inside his beard.
- Punched Michael Jackson at a party, claiming that only he himself was allowed to create sappy songs about the earth and the flowers. He later apologized to Michael in an interview on Fox News, saying that he was under the influence of Jesus Juice.
- If you wish to read God's collection of sappy songs about the earth and the flowers, it is available in all good book stores under the name of 'The Bible.'
- Does not actually care much for WikiNerds, though he liked Wikipedia back before it became politically rehearsed and "totally geeked out".
- Boris Johnson god is a buffoon.
External Sources
- God's myspace blog created in a month after reading HTML for dummies
- Is God Religious? Of course....why else would he have created religion....or the internet....or puppies?
