Time Travel

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Time Travel
is one of the things they don't want you to know about.

Time travel is a highly controversial method of transportation, in that most versions of vehicles do not completely run on fossil fuels, which we all know to be power source that all true Americans use. Only homosexuals and abortionists use hybrid-powered time machines. For example, take Michael J. Fox and that creepy old man he hangs out with.

A chrono-tourist visits the set of The Colbert Report. What is he here for?

[edit] Stephen Colbert - Chronopundit

It has been suggested by certain eggheads, notably Dr. Brian Greene, that most forms of time travel have been disproven, much to the anger of Stephen Colbert and other like-minded heroes. It's just like scientists to tell us what we can't do these days.

Representative Adam Smith is also a vehement time travel-denier, yet he has clearly gone back in time to alter the course of American history - yes, he's THAT Adam Smith. Steve Jobs is the owner of an iTime Machine™, but has so far refused Stephen's request for usage. That, and he hasn't yet given him a free iPhone. The cheap bastard. You'd think all those Pixar movies would warm his heart to such generosity.

[edit] Publicly known forms of Time Travel

Delorean - Useful for picking up hot chicks like Claudia Wells and Elizabeth Shue.
Parker McComb Systems Railcab - Suitable for horny kickboxers from Belgium.
H.G Wells' Contempo - A must for battling Morlocks and for those looking to score with hot Eloi. Comes in three models, one to survive World War III, another to withstand the catastrophic shift of the moon's orbit, and the final one is best used to defeat Jack the Ripper and for scoring with Mary Steenburgen.
That thingy that Harry Potter and Hermione Granger used - Powered by the magical fumes of unicorn feces. A renewable energy source approved by Stephen Colbert and his friend Starbeam.
The one with all the mirrors in Timeline - Avoid this one, or you'll end up in France.
Ophidian-controlled Portal from Time's Arrow episode of Star Trek - Stephen would like to meet Mark Twain, but don't ask him to get near that motherf$#%ing snake.
Cyberdyne Systems Conduit - Works best with Californian governors. I'm pretty sure Ronald Reagan has used it a couple of times - clearly the source of his idea for the Star Wars program. Best used for scoring with 19 year old waitresses and fathering saviors with the initials "J.C."
Slingshotting around the sun - Requires the calculations of a Vulcan to work. A favorite for whales, which possibly includes Michael Moore.
Superman - Anything to get some sweet Lois Lane tail.
Project Quantum Leap - The easiest way to get into a girl's pants, as you bypass the date and go straight into her body.
TARDIS - It's a friggin phone booth. Who are you, E.T.?
NoFactZone.net - It's how we refresh the mind with episode guides from days past.