Tucker Carlson
From Wikiality
While The Liberal Media reports Tucker is a complete, utter douchebag, some say FOX News is grooming him as a possible replacement for John Gibson. Stay tuned to The Colbert Report for breaking news.
Tucker Carlson may have been the first child to be anally delivered; the details of Tucker's birth are sketchy at best due to the ambiguous anatomy of Tuckers mother. The important thing is that he was rescued from the abortion clinic. Jon Stewart got nailed by Carlson in 2005 on his own show, The Daily Show. Comedy Central canceled the Daily Show shortly after due to this nailing.
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Tucker doing things we don't care about
In 2006, Tucker was been confirmed as a contestant on "Dancing With The Stars". Many people agree that his dance moves should be outlawed in 49 states and the District of Colombia.
Tucker's Dance Routine
What a dancer!! What a glorious, yet slightly overweight, retarded and douchebag like dancer!!
Tucker Carlson has done it again, surprising critics who theorized his routine would be so embarrassing that ABC would go to dead air. Tucker turned in a spectacular turn on the dance floor! His routine was flawless, he was poetry in lightly basted skin and a bow tie.
The routine chosen by Tucker and his partner was very reminiscent of the dance scene in the film "True Lies". It began with Tucker sitting motionless in a chair, nearly paralyzed by the fear that his career had gone as far as his little pundit legs would carry it. But then, in an explosive feat of motion, which can be paralleled only by the infamous and fleet footed Fred Flintstone, Tucker's career as a dancer extraordinaire was born. He parried left, he skidaddled right, he was beautiful. A big, crispy golden browned send up to one Pee-Wee Herman.
The judges, taken aback by his stellar performance delivered a score once thought impossible to attain, a 12 out of a possible 30. Dancers everywhere will be forced to spend lifetimes catching this multi-talented rising star.
Tucker may be hurting America with his quickfire, cross-fire journalistic style, but those concrete feet might possess the gumption to save a once weary career from total extinction. Bravo Tucker, Bravo!
One judge in particular raised his voice in proclamation that Tucker's performance was "An Awful Mess". This is of course French for Excelsior.
Tucker's Elimination
Tucker was, sadly eliminated 1st from the Liberazi television propaganda show, "Dancing With The Stars".* His closing speech included a thanks to his swarthy foreign dance partner. He praised her patience and explained that his learning to dance was akin to Einstein teaching retarded and physically gimped crack babies how to collect government subsidies. With his tearful farewell, Tucker instilled in the audience the notion that right thinking pundits can in fact overcome the liberally biased talent scouts enslaved in the network television system. It is a sad day indeed when uber-classy, political contrarians must lower themselves to be judged amongst the riff raff of Hollywoods' liberal basement, and actually lose. The good news is that Tucker will now be able to buy that new yacht with his earnings from his one-time television appearance. Thank you Tucker, you're living proof that nothing should come between a man and his constant search for that man-eating, sea-going beast Moby Dick.
*And not long after he was eliminated from MSNBC.
Meaningless Factoids
- Tucker's reality show "The Secret Life of Tucker Carlson: The Hippie Sex Lair Edition" was cancelled before it ever aired, for indecency with rodents and Mr. Ann Coulter.
- Tucker is a regular guest speaker at Young Republican conventions.
- Tucker wears women's underwear.
- Enjoys being flogged by Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly.
- They say that the length of a man's genitals is proportional to the length of the tie he wears; Tucker Carlson wears a bowtie, so what does THAT tell you? (Note: Stephen Colbert owns a 3 meter long tie he folds up and tucks into his pants.) However, it should be noted that Carlson does NOT wear his bow-tie in a shameless attempt to promote himself as a braying, jackass cartoon character as many suspect, but rather because it functions as a fastener to keep his massive ego from snapping his head off at the neck.
- Tucker's bow ties are all hand-me-downs from Orville Redenbacher, except for a few once owned by Senator Paul Simon which have been thoroughly cleaned and Martinized.
- Tucker's only real talent is wasting space, which he does constantly.
- Tucker scours the internet looking for blog entries about himself to complain about. If a blogger has offended him in any way, he goes to the blogger's place of employment (where applicable) and tries to get him fired.
- Tucker's wife is incredibly wasped-out.
- Tucker was humiliated by real American, Irena Briganti.
- Tucker lives in Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly's basement, freely provided by Bill and without any rental payment due in sexual favors.
- Despite all of this, Tucker Carlson supports the president, thereby making him an American hero, although the most douchebaggy one of all. Look it up in your gut.
- Tucker can handle constructive criticism like, "you're a partisan hack" or "your mother molests collies", but he takes off the dancing shoes if you say "you have the integrity of kiddie-raper Dick Cheney" or anything else critical of The Greatest Vice President - EVER!
- Tucker is a closet Log Cabin Republican.
Tucker's "New" Make-Over
Tucker goes through a new make-over once every TV season, just to make sure he is at the top of the Arianna Huffington's webpage.
Here, Tuck is sporting the "no-bow-tie" look. Rock on, you trend-setter!
UPDATE: Tucker's latest makeover involves switching from news commentator to game show host! Tucker will now be hosting CBS's "Do You Trust Me?", starting sometime in May. It is only a pilot, however, making it all the more likely that Tucker will screw this up too.
SECOND UPDATE March 11th, 2008: As predicted, Tucker screwed up the audition for "Do You Trust Me?", and now his luck has run out at MSNBC as well. He has been replaced by the homely, pock-marked face of NBC White House correspondent, David Gregory. He wasn't fired outright like Rita Cosby (since he's a man--hey, this is MSNBC). Joe Scarborough and Chris Matthews feel sorry for him and let him do political analysis on their shows once in a while.
See Also
Outer Tubes
- Stalking a blogger
- WaPo report on Tucker's aggressiveness
- Tucker's first book - some say it's on Rupert Murdoch's book shelf
