Vaxasom

From Wikiality

Vaxasom is a sickly, high school hallway, light green colored suppository made by Prescott Pharmaceuticals and endorsed by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert (D.F.A.).

Vaxasom is the first industrially created, natural, non-stimulant based medication made specifically to induce protracted insomnia on the market to be taken rectally. One pill inserted before bed is equal to six days without sleep minus patchy beard growth due to the "futility of it all" associated with naturally occuring insomnia.

Effects include: Restlessness, Irritability, Priapisms, Involved conversations with the ghostly apparitions of deceased family members that, apparently, are disappointed with you, Increased fascination with Infomercials, Irrational hatred of the sun and rested people.

Adverse effects include: Dry, blood-shot eyes, Golf ball sized occular concretions, Auditory, visual, tactile and temporal hallucinations, Constant desire to drink heavily wearing nothing but your bathrobe and your wife's aged 'Garfield' slippers, Concentrated urinations, Slap happy giggle fits, Psychiatric commitment trials, Spontaneous weeping during 'Puppy Chow' commercials, Rectal irritation and Anal hemorrhaging.

Warning: Vaxasom comes crafted in the form of a bike chain encased within a egg shell thin, glass Christmas ornament. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for any abdominal evisceration due to stress clenching or over enthusiastic copulation.

Directions for anal insertion: Ingest roughly one half liter of single malt scotch, generously lubricate rectal area with whatever is lying around ( Motor oil, WD-40, Mayonnaise, ETC. ), call a friend you feel really comfortable around or some one you went to camp with as a kid, tie suppository to the end of a stick ( Length of stick is at the discretion of your friend and how comfortable he/she is with YOU ) and assume the position. After insertion is completed, eye contact with friend is not recommended for at least a month.

Around the thrid or fourth day, paranoid delusions are not uncommon, but we assure you that your dog is not slowly poisoning you via your Ovaltine every morning. We talked with him and he has nothing but consistent, confirmable alibis. Your cat, on the other hand, is hiding something.

Although Vaxasom is not a stimulant, the mixing of this medication with any stimulant, even caffeine, is strongly discouraged since it may cause your molecules to vibrate at such speeds that you may disappear from this dimension of space/time. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is not responsible for any dimensional dislocation due to use of this product. Taking Vaxasom is not recommended for more than two weeks, but thats a bling guess since no one has ever survived past three days due to massive blood loss or frenzied, sociopathic rampages culminating with fatal police shoot outs. Prescott Pharmaceuticals is also not responsible for any bullet wounds (personal, external or imaginary) resulting from the use of this product. Clearing of calendar is recommended. May cause divorce, unemployment and visits from Child Protective Services.