Blessed Virgin Mary
From Wikiality
Contents |
History
The Blessed Virgin Mary (Do NOT call her Mary with the Cherry) is the mother of God, Jesus Christ. Mary conceived Jesus through the Immaculate Conception, a process that has only been duplicated once in the history of man (See: Stephen Colbert). While Jesus is God, it was not Jesus who impregnated his mother, but Jesus's father, God. It may be confusing to those who try to employ reason, but not to any Christian who relies on their gut.
God the father chose to get Mary preggers because she was the only woman to have ever been born without sin. Most women of Mary's time were immoral harlots and there is some evidence to suggest that their whorish desecndants migrated to and settled in the geographic region known as present day France.
Some say that after the birth of Jesus, Mary and Joseph started "going to town". It is unclear which town is being referenced, because there were no towns in Egypt, and Bethlehem was too close for a good vacation. Also, Joseph's carpenter work made it hard to get around. It has been suggested that perhaps the town referenced is somewhere in Kansas or Mexico, because everyone knows that people there love Mary and Joseph. Currently, the godless bears are trying to find the aforementioned town and burn it to the ground, as it would naturally be considered a sacred place by Christians, and God knows the bears would hate that.
It is important to add that rumors of Our Lady's Jewishness are lies. The images of her show quite clearly that the Blessed Mother had no horns.
Politics
Mary is a Republican, but she prefers to leave politics to men, since things like economics and foreign relations are beyond her. Mary is against abortion, stem cell research, gay marriage and women in the workplace. Though Mary is a Republican, she did endorse Joe Lieberman because "he's such a good boy, what a mensch!"
Factoids
- Mary was a stay at home mom and breast fed Jesus (Liberal mothers do not breast feed, they use a bottle and then leave their kids in day care while they go off to their jobs, all of which helps destroy Americas family values)
- Mary was married to Joseph, a carpenter who drank mead and watched chariot races, both of which were precursors to Budweiser and Nascar
- Mary was a virgin all her life, she never had sex with Joseph, The Blue Balled Carpenter.
- Mary, being a Jewish Mother, was always getting on Jesus's case about how he should be a doctor or lawyer
- Mary would often have brunch with her sister, the mother of John the Baptist, and after a few glasses of wine each, trade backhanded insults over about who was going to be more successful
- Mary wanted to name Jesus a strong Jewish name like Abraham or Ezekiel, but God said no as he didn't want people to be confused when they read the soon to be released "New Testament" as they were character names used in his previous works
- Mary is the only woman to have been born without sin (Eve doesn't count, she wasn't born but made from a man's rib and do you ever hear women thanking men for their existence? Nope. All we get from them is the introduction of sin and our consequent expulsion from the Garden of Eden)
Places Mary has been seen crying
- At Ronald Reagans funeral
- Outside of voting booths whenever someone votes Democrat
- Outside synagogues because the people inside don't worship her son
- At every screening of the Passion of the Christ
Images of the Blessed Virgin Mary
 Do you ever see Allah's momma holding him in gold? Nope. |
 Oy Vey! You're too thin! Mary wants you to eat up, and why don't you call your mother more often? Just pick up the phone, is that so much to ask? |
 The Blessed Virgin appeared on this guys arm. Either that or Victor was a Mary (See: Feynglish). |
 Mary and Jesus have absolutely NO relation to Horus and Hathor. None whatsoever. None. Christianity is totally original and is the ONE TRUE FAITH! |
