Whales

From Wikiality

Whales
has become TOO RANDOM
it needs a complete rewrite in order to remove all the randomness.
Please edit this page so that it fits in "The Stephen Colbert Experience" Thank You.

Did you know...

•That whales can be useful for being made into oil?!
•That whales are fish like a hippopotamus?!
•That whales like to hunt and eat wooden-legged sea captains?!
•That everything on this page is completely^[1] true?!

Whales are amongst the most mysterious, majestic, and fattest animals ever known to mankind. Their enigmatic obesity serves as a beacon to liberals world-wide, who - perhaps recognizing some kind of kinship with these portly, beasts - will stop at nothing to "publicize" the "plight" of these "endangered" fatties.

1 What is a Whale?
2 Worthless? I think not!
3 Whale Watching
4 Whale Wars
5 Famous Wheels
6 References

What is a Whale?

The whale is a close relative of the fish called the Dolphin. It is also a fish like a hippopotamus or turtle. It is not a mammal because it lives in water and has no boobies or hair. It is huge and fat because all it does is eat little creatures called plankton like the one from SpongeBob that tries to "borrow" the Krabby Patty formula. Poor Plankton just wants to open up a business like any other honest Republican, but those evil whales just put him down.

Evil whale.

Worthless? I think not!

The Republicans are currently working on making special oil refineries to extract the precious oil from whales. These refineries will be simple and economic. Whales will be guided through a completely necessary path that leads to a grinder that extracts the oil from whales. This oil will be resold for 50% more than regular oil because it will be named "Ultra-Super-Awesome-Oil" thus making it totally awsome. So in the next few months when you are filling your car up with Ultra-Super-Awesome-Oil, think of a whale being ground into fuel.

This is a blueprint for the new whale oil refineries.

Whale Watching

Whale watching is a sport designed to spot whales for the whale oil refineries. Losers pay the government to spot and observe the demon beasts for the refineries. However, they think they are just enjoying themselves. I mean come on... how can sitting outside for 5 hours, freezing your ass off just to see some fat piece of lard be fun? So if you spot a whale, make sure to dial 1-(800)-KIL-WALE so we can locate the whale and make it into oil.

Sadly, the great pastime of whale watching has come into jeopardy due to recent proposals by Congress to grant amnesty to Illegal aliens. Whales from Mexico can currently be observed migrating to US costal cities on a weekly basis. This influx crowds our ports and makes it difficult for real American citizens to find work in the plankton mining industry. These whales return to Mexico on weekends bringing with them American dollars and American fish. If amnesty is granted, these whales will never leave the US making it impossible for Americans to find jobs and for (American) tourists to observe whales in Mexico as they undertake their weekly commute.

Whale Wars

Hippies all over the world try to protect the evil fish that are whales. It is pathetic how blind they are. Whales are working with terrorists to recreate an attack on the United States similar to the one on 9-11. If those hippies keep trying to protect the whales, they will soon attack. The hippies and democrats think that whales are endangered while they are really pretending. The CIA sent a spy dressed up as a whale to uncover this. She found a great whale base, occupied by a mass number of whales. The spy said: "Like OMG, there are like a lot of like..... whales. Does my hair look OK?....." The location of the base is classified. Not because it is not real.....GOSH!!..... but because the CIA needs to file some publication forms and stuff like that.