Mucuna pruriens: looking beyond the itch

King Ezekiel the Peaceful

One day in the 7th year of the reign of King Ezekiel the Peaceful, (who today manifests himself in AMC’s the Walking Dead), a half-clothed man was in his usual rounds in the forest, just herding his lions and other animals you wouldn’t dare touch today. He was sipping on some bird urine juice from a hollowed out rock and humming softly without a care in the world.

Now, it was a time when man roamed the tropics naked and swatted at enemies with a small stick. If His Imperial Majesty Charles Dickens were not hundreds of years away from being born at the time, he would have called it “the best of times”. Oh, how memories come and go. Anyway, back to our hero and his shtick.

Feeling the Bern itch

Our man sits himself on a rock (not to be confused with the one he is sipping from) and sighs at the tranquility of the time. Stretching languidly, he sees a curious looking plant with a bunch of inviting pods and grabs a handful of them-then lets out a howl, heard across the meadow and into the future. It was the burn of the mucuna, and the supplement was announcing its arrival into the helter shelter of the Stone Age.

Since our hero’s little accident, we have learned quite a bit about mucuna pruriens, the supplement generations have sworn by.

Sultan Kosen
Sorry Sultan Kosen, you aint got nothing on Mucuna Pruriens

A little about Mucuna the Great

Mucuna pruriens is a badass climbing shrub that is taller than the tallest branch in your family tree. In fact, its vines can at times hover a gigantic 50 feet off the ground (how about that, Sultan Kosen?). When mucuna is young, it is fuzzy and lovely, with fine hair all over. When it is older, the hair goes away but the leaves can sting quite a bit.

Do not believe me; try slapping at the pointy tips yourself. You might even get a kick out of it. Also, you might need a band aid afterward. Again, the pods contain fur on steroids, especially when the plant is young, so please stay away from them if you do not want to get an itch-literally.

Mucuna Pruriens

What do you use mucuna for?

Mucuna literally makes you smarter. Not smart in an Einsteinian sort of way, but you get the point. Word has it that this vine is capable of stimulating your brain cells to think more and retain even more. The plant has also been known to support posture and movement, so thanks to the wonder of the tropics, you might just escape being bow-legged and even avoid drawing a horrendous geometrical curve as you walk.

Finally, if you have been stressing about having no job or getting overworked and underpaid or even reconsidering that promotion you wanted because you fear you will feel underused and overpaid, voila! Your troubles are over. This trusty old weed will get you right back on track.

Where to buy?

The Velvet Bean is mostly available in powder form (and no, you cannot snort it), so you can buy it from the Mom and Pop’s down the street. You can also check out online stores selling powdered mucuna supplements – good luck with that. Because we got some seriously shady people doing rounds on the internets, which were proudly invented by the one and only Al Gore, according to the man himself.


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