Bears are the worst nightmares of mother nature. It’s a mean killing machine that’s almost unkillable that not even five bullets or less could kill it. If you must know, bears are on the list of things that can kill you, and they have freely roamed the forests, killing hapless preys, and taking advantage of their ‘endangered’ status. 

The Beginnings


Bears lived a pretty mundane life back then – promoting honey-loving, swatting fish with their big paws, and leaving their crap here and there – and they were infinitely happy. Now, it wasn’t until man, perennially kind man, gave them a taste of freedom. It was then that all hell broke loose!  

Remember the Bear Flag Revolt? It was during the American War when bears also participated in the rampage in California, eating babies, burning flags, and killing everything in their path.

Global Crisis


From that  moment on, bears appeared all around the world with major headquarters in Canada and in the Middle East. These killing machines keep themselves busy by threatening women and children. Other parts of the world are also being attacked by koala bears. The Colbears on the other hand are moving from Antarctica to South Dakota to seek protection. Even hasn’t escaped the clutches of these heathens, posing as teenagers and luring other teens.


  • Terrorists – The deadliest of alliances where the bears receive funding for their revolts. 
  • The NFL – They have an NFL team – clue: it’s in Chicago and named after them.
  • The USSR, Soviet Military – During the Cold War, The Soviets were experimenting on bears, creating an elite mutant of bears called Project Iron Death.
  • Cocaine – Bears  seriously love cocaine!
  • The ACLU – these guys here seem to think that bears are human. Good thing, George Bush, together with Stephen Colbert, has been torturing their officials.
  • The NAACP – they are pro-bear!
  • Disney – Disney believes that bears are not masculine that’s why they had a voluptuous lead for the Winnie The Pooh animated series rather than Christopher Robin.
  • PETA – the PETA people advocates the disarming of hunters, thus leaving us vulnerable to bear attacks.
  • Hollywood – Dr. Strangelove actually contains a hidden message calling for a conspiracy to annihilate all humans!
  • Sharks –  it is said that sharks are their natural allies, having created bearsharks.
  • Trout – alliances with rainbow and brown trouts allow bears to pass through waterways secretly. 
  • The Montana Grizzly Encounter – these bear lovers actually had the gall to invite Brutus, a grizzly bear, to thanksgiving! What?! A bear on an American holiday?!
  • Northern California – look at their flag, and you’ll know that these liberals are allies of these abomination!
  • On Wall Street – Unbelievably, bears were able to get their own bank – Bear Stearn Cos.
  • Online Casinos – The online casino Royal Panda features a cuddly Panda bear. Coincidence? I don’t think so! They have infiltrated all parts of the sector, beware.

Absolute Solution to Eradicate Bears!


Form an extermination squad to be led by no less than Chuck Norris, Ted Nugent, and the Bear Hunters Association of America!

Bear Trivia


  • Bears are HONEY JUNKIES!
  • Bears do not pee standing up as real men should be
  • Osama Bin Laden is a bear in human form
  • Bears bite!
  • Bears are the half owners of Chicago; hence Chicago Cubs and Chicago Bears! Get it, get it?

Do Your Share

  • Rather than fearing bears, be a threat to them!
  • Sign for the Stop the Bears petition
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